Vengeance - Writers Forum

Warlocklord · 02-21-2006, 01:26 PM

The eyes awash with heavy tears,
Blinked rapidly,
Lids fluttering,
Slamming shut with sudden urgency,
Panic becoming its only salvation,
Forcing its way through the whites,
Straining,
Blinding.

Blackness swirling around,
Closing in,
Wrapping itself quite like her mother’s shawl,
A childhood memory long forgot,
Innocence that had escaped her,
Breaking free with every lash,
It had been taken with force never to be returned
Vengeance was her only option,
Only friend in this pitiful thing called life.

Eyes strained,
Marked with tracks of fear,
Witness to their masters fate,
Saw briefly the shining light,
Hope,
Freedom,
No the eyes had been betrayed,
They failed for the last time.

emphibian · 02-21-2006, 01:46 PM

hey warlocklord

this is really dark and sweet. i just thought that maybe you might have swerved into cliche avenue at several instances maybe?

for instance : vengeance was her only companion

and you had a previous one with panic becoming their companion. i mean i get what you intend to get at, but maybe it could have been better? drawing a bit blank but i may be wrong.

that aside i think you've got it going a tad morbid in the vengeance circle. which is a good thing i feel.

Warlocklord · 02-21-2006, 01:51 PM

Thanks for the response. I see what you mean by being cliche, I changed the wording around a bit. I do not know if it works, but its worth a fit. Once again thanks for responding.

emphibian · 02-21-2006, 02:15 PM

hello again.

ok i've got something scratched up.

for the panic bit, if i may suggest, if you think it's alright if it went

: panic is salvation (maybe)

also, for discussion's sake...do you think having a title appear in the poem or story whichever actually feels a bit weird or tacky? just struck me.

Warlocklord · 02-21-2006, 02:26 PM

emphibian: thanks for replying again. I changed the title, that is my weakness. I can never think of anything when it comes to making the title.

war.

emphibian · 02-21-2006, 02:33 PM

hey man, no problem.

i think yea, titles could get annoying, especially to get it right. but hey, it's all good at the end of the day. i wish that wasn't too random. haha.