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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 02-20-2006, 10:00 PM   #1
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ramatheson is on a distinguished road
*title removed due to profanity*

there are pieces of me you hurriedly decease
as contraptions catching mice in these hallways,

the tile on the wall, mildewed, peeling and chipped.

sweep the broom across linoleum like a toothbrush
that never got used quite enough;
the teeth sharpened to blunt points
that only make the bite on your inner thigh
that much more painful – peaceful.

should you love me?

should you hold this deformity like it is perfection
and bless it as if you were someone,
one of those that are able to offer the Lord’s power to someone;
those that pretend, at least,
those closet-atheists, the door to their closet made up of religion
this or that a hodgepodge of superstitions.

he turned,
laughed,
walked away
with only one word,
“Fuck God.”

ps: my eyes are pure black from corner to corner,
pupil to iris,
pure,
octopus inky jet black
like the coagulated blood of a hundred thousand infants
that never even had a chance to taste a mother’s tit
their only sensation the blood pouring from Her nipple
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Old 02-20-2006, 11:26 PM   #2
K-P
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The title really turned me off; it's juvenile sounding. I'm sure every kid in high school who wears trenchcoats and black combat boots has "Fuck God" scribbled all across their hands and their notebooks and their desks. I should know, I was among their ranks once.

Personally, if you changed the title I might have a more objective view when reading the body of your poem.
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Old 02-20-2006, 11:32 PM   #3
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I agree about the title. But this was a pretty kick-ass poem. I too have some questions that I'd like to ask the ever-loving omniscient One.
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Old 02-20-2006, 11:55 PM   #4
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Ejp414
Hm, well I have to say that your most glaring error is found in these two lines:

Quote:
with only one word,
“Fuck God.”
I think that's two words. :-P

Anyway, aside from this one careless mistake, it's pretty decent. And more than that, it makes me realize that you're alive, which is one of the main points of poetry, isn't it? So good job. I like the title, by the way. Catchy as hell.
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