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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-14-2006, 04:46 PM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,850
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Fun with the Fallen
Gently falling in tufts of fluff
Drifting snow is never enough,
To beat the heat of summer sun,
Once the thaw has again begun.
But the world smiles to see,
The swirling snow land softly,
Doomed to die by springtime fate,
We love to watch it while it waits.
Little specs of poet dreams,
Heavy clumps of happy screams,
Doomed to die when spring comes,
But while it’s here, let’s have some fun.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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02-14-2006, 09:15 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
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aww...I wish we had snow down here. Lucky Canadian 
Anyway, I like the rhyme and rhythm of the poem, and it ended on a nice, optimistic note. I love the first two lines in the third stanza: "Little specs of poet dreams/Heavy clumps of happy screams".
PS: I like the quotes in your signature.  |
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02-16-2006, 11:32 AM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,850
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Thanks for the kind words.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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02-17-2006, 10:03 PM
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#4
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 18
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by EvenlySpaced
aww...I wish we had snow down here. Lucky Canadian |
I Swear to god you would take that back the second you saw how bad it got today. Anyways awsome poem, cool stuff
__________________
Shakespeare sucks cuz i never read it
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02-18-2006, 12:16 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,850
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Hehe, thanks. Interesting sig you've got there.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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02-18-2006, 01:06 PM
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#6
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Best Seller
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Catalunya, Spain
Gender: Female
Posts: 529
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A delightful poem to read...you described how much fun snow in such a light-hearted way.
Instead of "But" in the second stanza, "Yet", would sound better, but that's my opinion. Also, I think the phrase "Doomed to die by springtime fate" and "Doomed to die when spring comes" is too close and it sounds redundant--you could replace one of these phrases with another, perhaps "destined to melt, destined to end, destined to perish", just some suggestions for either one.
Thank you for writing and sharing this...look forward to reading more of your poetry.
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02-18-2006, 05:29 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,850
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Yes, but neither of those alternatives would rhyme. Thanks for the comment. You might have to wait to read more, I don't post my work very often anymore.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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