Jimbob

Why was I brought to this room?
One more used-up old woman,
Why don't they just let her die?

Himalayan relief map face,
age-bleached hair, black at the ends
cheeks caved in where teeth used to be.

Weary eyes at the bottom of sockets
open slowly, she whispers my name.
My jaw drops - MOTHER?


Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Penelope

um .. I found this kind of confusing because you are Jimbob not mother. oh and I believe you meant Himalayan?

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

FollowingShadow

I think "relief map" is hyphenated to be grammatically correct.

Also, IMO "MOTHER?" should be something along the lines of "Is that you, mother?". Also, the reader is confusing her whisper to the narrator and his thought, 'mother'. Maybe you could distinguish between the two with a line like but better than: "And then I realized."

Otherwise I admire the simplicity of the poem and hope you don't get fed up with it. Gj.

-FS

J.R. MacLean

i think you are onto something here, JB, but we may need a little more for clarity's sake, and to build tension.

Jimbob

Penelope,
It should be clearer now,thanks. Also thanks for the heads-up on spelling. It's fixed now.

Following Shadow,
Thanks for responding, but my dictionary has "relief map" as two words.

JR.
Thanks for responding with your impressions. I restructured it a little and added a line in S1. I always appreciate your suggestions.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens