Pooley

bit of background. my dad left my mum b4 is was born, they werent married i dont even know if they were together or just a one niter. i dont know his name and my mum cant remember, i dont know where he lives or wat he does. my mum and grandparents have raised me all my life and im fine with that, but sometimes at nite i sit bak and think wat i missed out not having another male figure in the household, and not having some1 to kick the soccer ball to or play a game of cricket. i dont have ne siblings so from an early age i learnt how bad lonliness can b. apart from friends coming over ive never had ne1 to go to the park and throw the footy, and play a game of kicks. just little things like that, having no guy to talk about things, or just some company to talk to while my mum shift works just got to me sometimes and one nite i wrote this. please like give me ur thoughts and some constructive critism becuase i kno its very amaturish and just looking for some feedback on it. i wrote this about 5 years ago when i was alot younger.

DAD

Why did you leave me here,
All upon my own,
Why did you leave me here,
Sitting all alone,
Why don’t you want me,
Why don’t you care,
I'm your son, give me a chance,
Isn't that fair?
Why don’t you love me,
Why don’t you write,
I wish I'd known who you were,
I wish with all my might;
I know I was a mistake,
But now I am a boy,
So you shouldn't have just left me,
I am not an old used toy;
I wish that I could see you,
I wish that we could meet,
All the other kids at school,
Think having dads are neat.
You cannot just abandon me,
You cannot just go ,
I need to know something,
I need something to show,
You think you did the right thing,
Leaving ages ago,
But I would have been happier,
If you left after I know,
Why did you leave me,
Please just tell me that,
Was I an obligation,
Or too you am I a rat.
A child has to know,
Who to look up too,
But, because of what you did,
I'm sorry but it isn't you,
I want to know this,
If you saw me one day,
Would you see your son,
Or just a stranger in your way;
I want to get to know you,
But do you the same back,
I want to get to see you,
But your desire seems to lack.
Could you please tell me,
What my first name is,
Could you please tell me,
Do I like sport or Show Biz;
I want to know someone,
Who I can call a dad,
But no matter how many people there are,
Your my only dad.
The thing that makes me most angry,
Is that your heartbreak count is two,
Because you did the same thing to mum,
You left her alone too.

Penelope

Hello there - this touched a chord with me because my son is in the same boat. He's grown up now but he always wondered. I did know who the father was and knew my son was better off without him and me too!

I would make suggestions if this wasn't so personal. I think it's good to get things like this out there because you never know who's gonna read it and wonder.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Pooley

hey. thanks for ur reply. i appreciate u posting that. i have never really talked to my mum about it i always thought she didnt really think i thought about that sort of stuff about my dad, so im not sure wat she thought of him. it is a personal poem i agree but if u have ne comments about its structure/or watever please dont b worried about posting it i dont mind. it all helps

BeL

Hello!

I really enjoyed the poem, as I too grew up without a father. Think about this though, if he left you before you where even born, chances are you're better of without him

a few mistakes/suggestions:

are instead of were?

is neat.

that sounds wrong :/

to you.

look up to

do you wish the same back?

You're

Thanks for the read!

Penelope

My son did talk to me about it .. seldom .. but he did and I told him the truth as every child deserves honesty.

Your poem needs some paring down .. to make it concise .. it rambles on a bit because you are trying to capture all of your thoughts instead of the empty feeling you have not having a dad. Believe me, it brought me close enough to be honest with you which is a good thing. Not that I lie a lot .. I just tend to be more objective.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Withered Rose

As for grammar, I think BeL got everything I caught.
On to the more personal note though... I have a very similar situation to yours, only my mother knows exactly who my father is, and that a**hole waited six months into my life to leave. (Whenever I look at the pictures I have of him holding me as a small child I have to hold my hands tightly so I don't rip the pictures.)

Honestly it was hard for me to read this critically, because the topic was so personal. The only things I noticed were the grammar and that the number of syllables per line was all over the place.
Anyhoo, I know how hard of a subject it is to write about, so I won't be tough on you. Keep it up!

__________________
"Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need to know of hell."
-Emily Dickinson

Pooley

thanks again both of u. haha i noticed u pointed out some of my middle school spelling/grammar mistakes yeah :p i probably should have went back thru it and picked them up b4 posting it but thanks Penelope thanks for the comment, reading it again i realize i have rambled on abit :p but now if/when i write it just helps me to come back and compare and make sure i take ur advice so again thanks both.

Pooley

thanks withered rose for ur post. althought i know for a fact that unfortunately this situation happens every single day all over the world, its feels "good" i cant really think of a different word atm to share it and hear from u who r also in similiar situations. its just a fulfilling feeling i think, without sounding gay :p so thanks.