promnightsuicide

I wrote this last year for my Honors English class, and haven't showed it to anybody, so I wanted to see what people thought of it.

"Regret"
I cannot stand what I have done to thee.
My heart's heavy and broken in my chest.
What I had hoped for, now will never be.
Memories of you I must put to rest.
So precious was our short time together.
Locked inside my heart it will always stay.
I found someone I can't be with forever.
He is the reason I gave you away.
My heart has been ripped apart at the seams
But sadly this feeling is nothing new.
All of my love and my hopes and my dreams,
Were forgotten and dead the day I left you.
....A cut with a razor and I'll be set;
....I was never taught how to handle regret.

p.s. I'm 103_smalls' girlfriend if that gives me any street credit.

103_smalls

Hey babe.

This poem is good, but there is one major problem throughout, that most poets make in their starting days:

SHOW DON'T TELL!!!!!!

One more thing: I understand that cutting is something that you can relate to (it's something I can relate to, too), however it's been extremely overdone, and most people can't take a poet seriously if they talk about cutting. It's nothing personal against the poet, it's just that cutting has been so cliched.

But I do love it, babe. Keep writing, methinks you can be an awesome writer.


(I'm on the phone with her and she says:

"I'm not really good at rhyming, so that's the best I could do for a sonnet. I realize now that cutting is extremely overdone, I wrote this last year, but I don't write about crap like that anymore.")

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GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

FollowingShadow

It is unfortunate that cutting has become cliche. Personally, I think it's a sign of how commonplace cutting has become.

This poem is very straightforward. There's no dips or curves that the reader can get their mind around, nothing to twist them up and wring them out. I think what it needs is more depth, you know? Try to really show your art. (Also, lose the ellipses on the final two lines. Simplicity has the most effect.)

-FS

murdershewrote2005

Not bad, chica...welcome...

Lucky you to have a guy like smalls...sighs...lol...keep writing, thats how you imporve...practice!!!





Jess

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"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." ~Winnie the Pooh~

www.literarymary.com

promnightsuicide

Yeah now that I think about this poem, it's kind of dumb. I can do a lot better now (I wrote this last year) so yeah.


OK bye.

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You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath