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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-11-2006, 11:42 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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your ceramic skin
your ceramic skin
shiny and dimpled
craters healed over
by words
stretches in a glossy patina
where apparitions writhe
beckoning worlds
whispering of tremulous stirrings
deep in the warming black earth.
risking capitulation
is unthinkable
so don't think-
the trench coated man
standing in my driveway
has no face
no face
strands of light
strands of light
would sear the skinless palpitations
diffusing exotic cinnamon aromas
turning earthly heads
inside out.
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02-11-2006, 12:37 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: L-Town, MI
Gender: Male
Posts: 18
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean
your ceramic skin
shiny and dimpled
craters healed over
by words
stretches in a glossy patina
where apparitions writhe
beckoning worlds
whispering of tremulous stirrings
deep in the warming black earth.
risking capitulation
is unthinkable
so don't think-
the trench coated man
standing in my driveway
has no face
no face
strands of light
strands of light
would sear the skinless palpitations
diffusing exotic cinnamon aromas
turning earthly heads
inside out.
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I'm loving the variety of words you used here...some really good stuff..keep it up.. MIke Hunt |
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02-11-2006, 01:09 PM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New York
Gender: Female
Posts: 50
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beautiful imagery. i love this. period.
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02-11-2006, 01:38 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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mike: Happy you liked it . Thanks for commenting.
golightly: much appreciated. cheers
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02-11-2006, 01:57 PM
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#5
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: lost in the sonoran desert
Gender: Private
Posts: 795
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i need time to think about this one. whew. thanks for giving my mind something to stew on. and yes, i'll let you know what i come up with. barbequed nuggets
__________________
"Words have no power to impress the mind with the exquisite horror of their reality." -Edgar Allan Poe
***
Creative Scribblings - a collection of odds and ends
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02-11-2006, 04:08 PM
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#6
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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very intense .. lots of turmoil .. intriguing .. yup ..
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02-11-2006, 09:44 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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mjk: can't wait to hear what you come up with. parsimonious crickets
pen: thanks for the impressions.
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02-12-2006, 12:05 PM
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#8
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beautiful.
however, i don't like the repetition.
it feels melodramatic, and the tension feels more genuine without it.
otherwise, very beautiful.
minimal, but complete.
vodka
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02-12-2006, 12:31 PM
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#9
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 24
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The diction is impressive and the imagery I got out of it was stellar, mate.
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02-12-2006, 03:05 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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v: Thanks, your comments are always appreciated. I do disagree with you on the repetition. For me, the second 'no face' was essential emotionally, the second 'strands of light' is simply emphasis, an effort to penetrate the 'ceramic skin' of the beautiful person to whom this is addressed. Together, the repetitions help give structure to a volatile transition, while keeping the second stanza more or less whole. Otherwise i would neeed to break into a third stanza, and the whole thing kinda tumbles apart. Does this make any sense to you?
Rivettovski:, thanks for coming by, happy you enjoyed it.
Last edited by J.R. MacLean : 02-12-2006 at 03:07 PM.
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02-12-2006, 11:56 PM
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#11
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yes, i full understand what you're saying, but i have to stand by my original critique, which i came upon while reading the piece aloud.
alas, you are the author.
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02-13-2006, 08:27 AM
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#12
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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alas, that I am. Cheers.
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08-23-2006, 12:31 PM
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#13
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i hang with you well in this poem up until about the third or fourth line of the second stanza. that's where i begin to need a little bit of help... why does the author choose to slip so into the abstract at that point?
or am i merely a dolt?
jen
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08-23-2006, 07:45 PM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
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Originally Posted by ms. vodka
i hang with you well in this poem up until about the third or fourth line of the second stanza. that's where i begin to need a little bit of help... why does the author choose to slip so into the abstract at that point?
or am i merely a dolt?
jen
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your ceramic skin
shiny and dimpled
craters healed over
by words
stretches in a glossy patina
where apparitions writhe
beckoning worlds
whispering of tremulous stirrings
deep in the warming black earth.
risking capitulation
is unthinkable
so don't think-
the trench coated man
standing in my driveway
has no face
no face
strands of light
strands of light
would sear the skinless palpitations
diffusing exotic cinnamon aromas
turning earthly heads
inside out.
v:not only stubborn, but persistent too, eh?
O.K. (deep breath) this feels like it was written lifetimes ago but...
s2 l3: this was written as an urgent suggestion
l4: I prefer to think of this as symbolic rather than abstract. this image appeared in a dream the night before the morning this was written. a trench coated man for me means detective, a cop, a pervert, someone carrying a gun perhaps
l5: he's in the driveway because he is blocking the way out. He just stands there denying access to a wider world.
l6,7: for me the facelessness is very frightening, but also perhaps a clue to his insubstantiality.
l8 and 9: strands of light are good, illuminating, like cosmic strings, Rapunzel's hair, or the thread that leads one out of the maze.
l10: this is the breakthrough, past the trenchcoat guy, beyond the ceramic skin...searing is like branding, renaming, cooking the palpitating heart, perhaps
l11: the cooking gives off wonderful aromas
l12: that have very real power (through words, perhaps)
l13: to transform others- 'turning heads' is also a play on the power of beauty
this poem is about breaking through pain into down to earth beauty.
and no, of course you are not a dolt- just a little out of focus 
Last edited by J.R. MacLean : 08-23-2006 at 07:48 PM.
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08-23-2006, 07:52 PM
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#15
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yah, literally, thanks to gigi.
the avatar is me mourning the loss of my avatar, in a fog... i cannot see clearly without my tiara! ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my beautiful tiara is gone!!!!!!!!!!
but now i get it.
and now i find it incredibly beautiful.
thanks for giving in.
jen |
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