treasureme

This is an idea I am working on. I don't know if it works or not.

Inspiration is the ink that settles this page
From whence it cometh?
It is not mythology as that muse left my side
and is no longer my guide
Another has taken center stage.
Nay nor an ancient goddess
This source of creativity is the air
expelled from ‘your’ lungs.
Whence my words gather flair
just from the tip on your tongue.

Achilles

treasureme, as an idea this is great, and some of the lines are fabulous; but I think it may need some more work, editing, and rewrites. I'll tell you which parts were my favorites and which didn't work as well in my mind.

Quote:

Inspiration is the ink that settles this page From whence it cometh?

This is actually the part that stuck out the most for me. I had to read it several times to even get the meaning. First of all, I think the question mark is unnecessary since it reads like a statement. You could put 'Is' in the beginning to make it read more like a question. Also, I think 'cometh' is a little too archaic for the application. Though I like the old-sounding language throughout this piece (and write that way sometimes myself), I think that one word took it too far.

Quote:

It is not mythology as that muse left my side and is no longer my guide Another has taken center stage. Nay nor an ancient goddess

This is mostly good, but the wording is a bit awkward in places. Maybe changing 'that muse' to 'the muse' would help. I generally like the ideas in this part.

'Guide' might read better with some punctuation after it.

'Nay nor an ancient goddess' doesn't work grammatically. Changing 'nor' to 'not' and putting a comma after 'nay' would make grammatical sense, but I don't know if that's something you want. 'Nor' doesn't fit because it has to have 'neither', as it is a correlative conjunction.

Quote:

This source of creativity is the air expelled from ‘your’ lungs. Whence my words gather flair just from the tip on your tongue.

That's really good. It wrapped the poem up nicely and clearly demonstrated your point. I'm unsure of why you put 'your' in quotes, though. Also, I think the period after 'lungs' in unnecessary.

This is a really good piece, I just think it needs some simple editing. Thanks for sharing it; I look forward to reading more of your work.

Achilles.

__________________
The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

treasureme

Achilles,

I appreciate your comments and thanks for taking the time to look at this piece. I did want to try to keep to the old sounding language in this piece and perhaps 'cometh' did take it a little to far. I left the question mark after "From whence it cometh?" as a question to where my inspiration comes from. Your correct, it does read better if I change 'that' to 'the' muse. And the change from "Nay nor" to "Nay, not" is proper English. Thanks again. I will do some re-writes to this piece and post again.