Thinking About You - Writers Forum

Oasis Writer · 02-09-2006, 01:48 AM

I’m sitting here,
thinking about you.
Your beautiful smile,
your radiant eyes,
your sweet voice,
your gentle touch.

I’m sitting here,
thinking about you.
How things could have been.
How things would have been.
How things should have been.
But will never be...

I’m sitting here,
thinking about you.
Are you thinking about me?
Probably not...
wouldn't expect you to,
but I still won’t stop.

So, I’m sitting here tonight,
in a dark room that holds its’ own silence
and grasps its’ own life,
thinking about you.
I hope one day,
you’ll think of me too.

slayerofangels · 02-09-2006, 05:00 AM

Nice. It flows well, and really gets the message across. The blips I can see are mostly opinion based, though most here would advise against capitalising the first word of each line unless they have some significance. While this is a function of most word-processors, if you make the change early on, the program should continue it.

I also don't think that this line:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oasis Writer

In this dark room that holds its own silence

adds anything to the piece and could be shortened to keep pace with the rest.

And that's my two cents. Thanks for sharing!

Slayer

Oasis Writer · 02-09-2006, 10:38 AM

Hey Slayer, thanks for giving my poem a read through. I appreciate it. I trully do. Thanks a lot.

character1_Caitlin · 02-09-2006, 11:07 AM

i just started a thread with this type of theme in the lounge.

Very nice also. I enjoy the sentiment of it.

silverwriter · 02-09-2006, 11:25 AM

one nitpick -

Are you thinking about me?
I didn’t think so
Wasn’t expecting you to
But I still won’t stop

this sounds like you are talking directly to her when the poem should maintain you are only thinking about her. perhaps something along the lines: are you thinking about me? probably not."

otherwise, nice poem. common thoughts for one in your situation. perhaps a little more along the lines of where you are when you are thinking and how you are feeling when these things come to mind?

nice work

*hugs*

jaime

Oasis Writer · 02-09-2006, 12:27 PM

Hey Caitlin - Thanks for giving this a read, and I'm glad you liked it. Thank you.

Jaime - Thank you for showing me where I could fix up, I changed it a little. Thank you.

Thanks all - I really do appreciate it.

J.R. MacLean · 02-09-2006, 04:10 PM

This has all the makings of a most excellent song. cheers

Oasis Writer · 02-09-2006, 04:19 PM

Thanks J.R. I usually write lyrics first, but never am sure where to put my poetry, sometimes, it comes out poetry, sometimes it comes out lyrics. I never know, I don't know now. I like it as a poem for now. Anyways, thank you for reading it over. I appreciate it.

Kat · 02-09-2006, 05:31 PM

I thought it sounded like a song too. Actually my favorite line was the one that slayer said was out of place. I think it might break up the rhythm but that it gives it a little more depth and presence.

Oasis Writer · 02-09-2006, 06:06 PM

Thanks Kat, once again, for readin' through my works. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you, very much.

Blackhawk_t · 02-10-2006, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Wouldn't expecting you to

This is a really good piece. I would recommend doing something with this line. The verbage is confusing. Maybe change it to expect, or leave it as expecting, but change wouldn't to wasn't.

Other than that, excellent job.

Oasis Writer · 02-10-2006, 12:08 PM

Hey, thank's Blackhawk. I appreciate the read through.

Jimbob · 02-10-2006, 02:14 PM

Oasis,
could you show us more and tell us less? You've got way too many modifiers in this piece and no images, also too many lists. could you say "a smile like ..., eyes that... a touch that makes me.."?

Jimbob

Oasis Writer · 02-10-2006, 02:36 PM

Hey, thanks Jimbob for the words and the read. I appreciate it. Thank you for the advice as well.

mjk · 02-10-2006, 03:10 PM

ugh, how many times have i felt the exact same thing? nice job putting it into words. i like the line:

Quote:

In this dark room that holds its own silence