MariusBonaparte

Blue sky, birds chirping
children laughing, and
old people on benches.

Then-
flames everywhere
bleeding from the eyes
screams of agony.

Hell’s tableau:
man making a young girl blow
a wife in the middle of a ‘bang
an old man leading a young boy
into a confessional.

Looking to the east,
bloody desert.
Looking to the west,
a bloody ocean.
Looking to the south
a bastion of mediocrity.,
Looking to the north,
nothing but bleak cold snow.

Then-
immediate surroundings
the torturers and tortured
hands outstretched
empty red sockets
no humanity.

They reach for me.

Cold sweat.
A fearful look at the door.
Lingering head pain.
Don’t really want to go outside, not today.

103_smalls

oooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

Most of the poem was good, not great, but good nevertheless, but your last line summed it up very well. I love the powerful endings.

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

ms. vodka

you've got some strong images here marius.

a couple of suggestions...

(don't you roll your eyes at me!)

the first line... perhaps you should begin just with first- as you did in the subsequent stanzas.

i'd cut the 'looking' out of the repetitive stanza. too many words...

nice line breaks in three, though.

in regard to the ending, i think it's a copout. the last line gives too much away, but the preceeding stanza doesn't give us enough. i'd try to find a happy medium there, leave your reader questioning.

but altogether marius, you have the start of something very intriguing here. as smalls said, good, not great... but i think this could be excellent.

MariusBonaparte

Smalls- I wasn't as happy with this as I would like. Not as good as previous works.

Ms. V.- I chopped those parts off and I think this leaves a sufficient.

J.R. MacLean

Marius: the cuts must have worked cause I didn't notice anything missing.
nice work- gives me that I've just watched the news feeling. I feel you are on the right track with the ending, perhaps it could be more subtle and immediate, a telling image of the door itself maybe.. cheers j.r.

ms. vodka

Still, the first line isn't working.

it's the ending on 'a' that's killing it, i think.

i think it would read better if it were more like the first line in the second stanza.

jen

cacafire

The poem is very good, marius. And the ending is just forceful enough to work.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

MariusBonaparte

JRMac-
Yeah, that's what inspired the poem. Like how you want to look at the world with rose colored lenses but it just gets shit on by bad news.

Ms. V- Took the a out.

Cacafire- Thank you for the positive comment. Glad you enjoyed it.

dannyboy

how about ending with the 5th stanza, it leaves it more open and yet more powerful. Is your ending at the moment too personal?

Just thinking. I like some of this and it is not finished yet.

MariusBonaparte

Dannyboy- I like that idea. Making that edit now.

MariusBonaparte

Blue sky, birds chirping
children laughing, and
old people on benches.

Then-
flames everywhere
bleeding from the eyes
screams of agony.

Hell’s tableau:
man making a young girl blow
a wife in the middle of a ‘bang
an old man leading a young boy
into a confessional.

Looking to the east,
bloody desert.
Looking to the west,
a bloody ocean.
Looking to the south
a bastion of mediocrity.,
Looking to the north,
nothing but bleak cold snow.

Then-
immediate surroundings
the torturers and tortured
hands outstretched
empty red sockets
no humanity.

ms. vodka

much better, marius.

eye catching.

MariusBonaparte

Thanks darlin it's always lovely hearing from you.

dannyboy

yes very strong

MariusBonaparte

Thanks Danny, the two of you helped it reach a much higher level.