Apparition - Writers Forum

eleda · 02-08-2006, 03:32 PM

Seeing you
hang in the light,
a crucified wraith
trailing tatters of phantasm

nailed in an agony
of choice – an agony of possibilities
fearful of decisions already made
outcomes already determined

There are you pinned
in a half-life somewhere between death
and grief
ethered butterfly displayed mid-flight

Did I expect too much of my sorrowful ghost?

See – I clutch at you
and my tight fists move through air
pulling at unseen nails
hammered into thought.

Insubstantial – unknowing – unknown
seeing you wear my clothes
filling you with my story,

Thus…
the idea of you evaporates
empty shell, devoid of life
I smile

It seems I powered you
by my own drives
your life was my fear –
your reality – my dreaming

Ha! I will not let you haunt
the manner of our encounter
nor set the terms of my arrival
and departure

Well brief shadow – be gone!
The exorcist comes swinging incense and ire
All is lost.

02-09-2006, 10:58 AM

hello eleda. this is an interesting poem you have here.

in the second stanza, i don't know if 'nailed into' is quite working. it seems slightly illogical. but perhaps that's what you intended.

i really like stanza three.

could the repetition of 'i' in the sixth stanza possibly be removed? i think it's slowing you down and sucking up some of your tension.

this piece, though, is full of tension and it's well written overall. nice use of imagery, although it tends to be slightly abstract i think i get the overall meaning. definitely it's one of those that deserves a few reads to figure it out.

jen

J.R. MacLean · 02-09-2006, 01:13 PM

Eleda: Hi. I was quite gripped by this; it certainly has the tension referred to by ms.v. I do think it could be tightened somewhat, the "I"'s, repetition of agony, fewer little words. Philosphically I'm little unsure about 'ire' but love the way it goes with incense. the last line seems too inclusive, why not, 'you are lost' or 'you have lost' ?
overall this has many wonderful qualities, including toe jam! cheers j.r.

eleda · 02-10-2006, 02:32 PM

A big thank you to Jen and to JR for reading and commenting. Jen, I revised the poem using your suggestions...I think it reads better now. Thanks for the advice. JR, how's it going? Thanks for stopping by.

Namaste