Nerual and her Pirate (love poem) - Writers Forum

DylanFan · 02-08-2006, 03:06 PM

Hey got a new poem here. Wrote it today and im planing on giving it to my girlfriend on 14th

Some of it may seem a little random but it would make since if you knew her. Btw nerual is her name backwards shes not some weirdo lol

Another star was born tonight
The moon’s made room gladly
The star can dance like the lizard king
Who still always dances madly

A lonely pirate and the perfect nun
Met in a field of sound
Surrounded by crowds and poison clouds
They laid upon the ground

Way back before the earth quaked and split
Before the caves were filled
Before giants came and went
Before the soup was spilled

Someone or something created and dreamed
He believed a time would come to me
When I could be happy just to see you
I am because you’re all a see

Nerual. The name makes lights come on
In the deepest depths of space
The name that makes me smile, happy
The name of beauty’s face

Keep me in your thoughts
You’re already in my dreams
Time stops and clockworks slow
When I hold you like a queen

Take my hand I’ll lead the way
I want to see the light
Kiss me.
If and when you think the time is right

DylanFan · 02-08-2006, 09:28 PM

bump Id really like a read or two not to be greedy or anything but...

02-09-2006, 11:09 AM

well, you said a lot of it was personal, that she would understand what we don't, so i'm going to take that into account in my critique.

i would cut the gladly out of the second line, or perhaps put in before made.

i would cut the pop culture reference to the lizard king, although i imagine that's one of those personal things...

'before the soup was spilled' also seems oddly out of place.

stanza six is nice, except 'hold you like a queen' seems slightly cliche.

the last stanza is sweet.

what you've done here, though, is asked people who don't know you to critique something which is obviously very personal. that's a hard thing to do. i can really only critique this as i would anyone who wants me to read a piece. it's abstract and often cliche. but in the context of you giving this to someone you love, that may all fall away. do you understand what i'm saying? anyway, good luck with this. if someone were to give it to me, i would find it a very sweet gesture, indeed. i would be surprised if you don't get that kiss...

vodka

DylanFan · 02-09-2006, 02:33 PM

hey thanks. Just to clear up the soup thing is the primordial soup. The seccond line should work out if i just re-word is a little. thanks again for the read

DylanFan · 02-10-2006, 11:10 PM

I gave it to her tonight she loved it! Everything went perfectly

Psycho6058 · 02-11-2006, 08:23 AM

I liked it. Lizzard King was an obvious reference to Bob Dylan ms.v, but if you're not a fan you may not know that. I'm glad Lauren liked it.
BTW off subject, but here's a chat room you might enjoy:
http://pool.dylantree.com/

DylanFan · 02-11-2006, 10:51 AM

Umm one thing Lizard kings = Jim Morrison. But yea everything was just about perfect

Psycho6058 · 02-12-2006, 06:31 AM

d.f. sorry I was thinking "doors" when I wrote that remark, but I was reading your name, and Dylan came out. Did you visit the Dylan Pool yet? if not, be sure to check out the link I sent above, I think you'll enjoy it.

DylanFan · 02-12-2006, 06:46 PM

yea i did thanks. No prob bout the mix up i do it all the time