Achilles

I'm leaving to clean
the forest path.

It's long overgrown
and its travelers show
no sign of interest.

I may stop to
trim the meadow-bush,
or altogether pass it by.

Don't delay dinner
in hopes of my return;
I doubt whether I'll
ever be satisfied.

I left my shears
in the backyard shed.
My fingers will suffice,
for they have been in
need of labor too.

I suppose if I clear
the forest path,
others might finally
take their first steps.

__________________
The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

cbaird14

I have a confession to make my friend, I have underestimated your poetry. I bumped a poem of vodka's to refresh the forum, but I may have waited had I read this. I don't have enough to say, and hopefully my comments on other poems will accentuate how much I liked this one.

Beautiful, subtle, and meaningful.

Wow, please keep working on this poem. I saw so much of Frost in it. Stopping by woods on a snowy evening, the road not taken. "the word suffice is straight out of his books as is,"My fingers will suffice, for they have been in need of labor too." It was said, "good poets borrow, great poets steal" you have stolen and alluded brilliantly.

I'm glad you are cutting the path my friend, I can't wait to join you there, in fact you might meet me along the way. Both this poem and you last have shown such subtle but direct insight. Thank you.
You can expect another response when I gain my breath and my head

Chris

Achilles

Hey there, Chris. I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. I didn't expect such an enthusiastic response, but I'm thrilled that you liked it so much. It didn't strike me as one of my best poems, but poetry is all about the reader's emotions.

I'm glad you recognized Frost in it. I've been influenced by his poetry and made several allusions to his works. While I used some Frosty language, I had hoped that my style would be evident. While great poets may steal from other great poets, I have no interest in being known as a thief.

Thanks for reading!

Achilles

__________________
The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

cbaird14

Not a theif, but an astute student of form. I left for dinner and all I could think about was this poem. A few criticisms:

"and its travelers show
no sign of interest." Does this mean that those who travel wont clear the path or rather there are few who choose to travel the path at all. A bit ambiguous.

"Don't delay dinner
in hopes of my return;
I doubt whether I'll
ever be satisfied." Are you sure this is necessary? Dinner seems to take away from the natural atmosphere you have created.

"I suppose if I clear
the forest path,
others might finally
take their first steps." A slight loss of rythem, I think, and somewhat wordy.

I love the idea and the atmosphere you create, I would be very disappointed if you let this poem hit the second page of mediocracy without at least one more re write.

Chris

P.S. If you have the time check out a short poem of Frost's, "Fire and Ice." The word suffice, I think, has never been used better.

Achilles

Here's a rewrite. Tell me what you think.

Oh, and I was thinking of Fire and Ice when I used the word suffice. It is indeed a great poem.

The Forest Path

I'm leaving to clean
the forest path.

It's long overgrown
and its travelers
seem not disturbed
by its thorny visage.

I may stop to
trim the meadow-bush,
or altogether pass it by.

Though I left my shears
in the backyard shed,
my fingers will suffice,
for they have been in
need of labor too.

I suppose if I clear
the forest path,
my work-bent back
can finally be at rest
in my wayside home.

__________________
The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.