LilPlunkie

Well, i hope this is what youz were thinking more of. My version, not so rhymy and hopefully better.

As the busy people rush by,
on the streets down below,
the catsle stands in its utter power,
up on top of the hill.

And the cars have been bustling,
the leaves from the trees swift through the town,
and the king and queen sit high and mighty,
and know their town is perfectly still.

From its blue, blue sea and its salty air,
the townspeople feel all is right, all is fair,
And so, the king and queen
and their castle stand in their power,
and will remain to protect,
hour after hour.

__________________


Want to stumble upon the magic? Visit my site;
http://nirina.koimizu.net

mammamaia

what happened to the original thread, and why is this starting a new one, instead of continuing the original, where i'd added comments/suggestions?

as for this version, if you're going to rhyme, it needs to be consistent...you're now rhyming and not rhyming, and rhyming differently, from section to section... and the line length is very erratic, which makes for a ragged read... also, much here doesn't make sense semantically/grammatically...

__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

cbaird14

castle**

perkonet

I really like this poem. I didn't notice an inconsistent rhyming scheme, as I really prefer no rules in writing. I like your writing style, it's very flowing and rhythmic. I can see the castle still standing, in all it's strength in the modern world. As I reread it, I'm wondering are the king and queen ghosts?

LilPlunkie

thank you perkonet! i very much like your idea of the king & queen being possible ghosts. Makes it sound more mysterious. And thanx for also liking my style of writing.

@cbaird14: whoops! thanx for the correction

__________________


Want to stumble upon the magic? Visit my site;
http://nirina.koimizu.net