I found Jesus; he was behind the couch the whole time! - Writers Forum

Marcellen · 02-03-2006, 01:59 PM

Give me an icy gale

to freeze this mourning face

Give me the ocean spray

wash my worries away

Give me a pointless conversation

deliberate and true

Give me a love that has gone sour

so I may cry for an hour

Give me the stars

they burn in my hand

Give me complete and undulated silence

to cure this aching violence

Give me what I most desire

breathe oh breath of mine

Give me nothing, but a memory

all that's left of this story.

revelation_22-20 · 02-03-2006, 04:00 PM

I think it's good, but then I am not a poetry critic.

cbaird14 · 02-03-2006, 06:52 PM

Welcome to the forum, I hope you really enjoy growing in your literary skills.

Im not sure if you decided to rhyme every other couplet or if that was a coincidence, either way I don't think it helped the mood/atmosphere. to be honest I'm not at all sure what you were talking about, or what the title had to do with the poem. I am by no means an astute critic, but I think this was perhaps too obscure, or at least out of focus.

Why the reference to starts burning your hand, (and why is that something you want to be given?)

Is a pointless conversation deliberate and true, seems to be a contradiction.

Anyways I think you need to focus your work, put together some kind of rhyme scheme, (or none), and look again at some of the images.
Thanks
Chris