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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-02-2006, 01:52 PM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,552
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Serenity
Deleted. Thanks for the comments.
__________________
"Just remember, wherever you are, that's what time it is." - eggo
"I write in bed. Afterwards, I offer my laptop a cigarette." - Jolly McJollyson
Last edited by silverwriter : 02-07-2007 at 05:49 PM.
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02-02-2006, 02:17 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 22
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Hmmm. There is much emotion there but it feels like it's still wrapped in plastic. I wanted to feel the pain you feel. The premise is good, I just think maybe you should try to add more of you. Break out. still a nice piece though. An excellent foundation.
__________________
Let me think, Please.
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02-02-2006, 02:51 PM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Louisiana
Gender: Male
Posts: 82
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Quote:
In every rose there is death,
an enevitable tragedy,
and yet I still
put it in a vase.
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Loved these lines, but it is inevitable.
Great read. Keep up the good work. |
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02-02-2006, 05:07 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,934
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This is beautiful Jaime, intelligent and touching.
Just a human
wilting even now
I shed tears-
cherishing every petal.
could be tightened? I don't know why I rewrite your stuff; I rarely do it elsewhere. Maybe it's because I like what you have to say so much. cheers.
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02-02-2006, 07:03 PM
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#5
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 24
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I couldn't help but try this one for the title.
" But I am just a human,
wilting even now.
I'll simply shed my tears
and cherish every petal."
Was the slant with Now and Petal intentional? I didn't enjoy how it came out. Deep and emotional, nonetheless, and reads well.
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02-02-2006, 07:04 PM
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#6
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Italy
Posts: 6,052
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ah, dearest jaime...
how I adore your absolute willingness to surrender all, to drown yourself completely in emotion.
I saw this on the blog first, but I've read it a couple times both places.
love you
me
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02-03-2006, 01:52 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,552
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solitude - there are five stages of mourning, but i feel these stages can be applied to other situations. the stage this poem is at is acceptance, which may be why it feels 'plastic' to you. thank you for stopping and commenting.
tr - hehe. i'm usually so good about that too... thanks for the catch and the comments.
jr - the strange habits we develop. i completely understand. i think the last stanza could be tightened a little...hmmm. thanks for reading and the comments.
rivet - nope, not intentional at all. thanks for stopping and commenting.
Rico - it's the way i am, dear. you'd know better than most. would you believe i quite hated this piece for a while? love you too.
*hugs*
jaime
__________________
"Just remember, wherever you are, that's what time it is." - eggo
"I write in bed. Afterwards, I offer my laptop a cigarette." - Jolly McJollyson
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