The Bargaining Table - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 02-02-2006, 10:57 AM

The farmer has a problem that I’m sure he will not like.
The cows all got together and decided they would strike.
“The food is unacceptable for us it will not pass.
we’d like to have some pancakes, we’re tired of this grass.”

“For lunch we’d like some vegetables, some carrots or some peas,
and for dessert some carrot cake, with ice cream, if you please.”
The farmer stood there speechless, not knowing what to say.
He figured he was dreaming, but he fed them anyway.

“Here’s your pancakes, your vegetables, your cake and ice cream too,
and now I’ve got just one small thing I’d like to ask of you.
Since I gave you all you wanted, and I gave it to you free,
do you think that you can make some chocolate milk for me?”

mjk · 02-02-2006, 01:31 PM

heheheh. love this! so cute. very fun to read.

perhaps a comma in the first line of the last stanza after pancakes?

thanks for posting it.

T.R. LeJeune · 02-02-2006, 01:40 PM

ha. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. Keep up the great work psycho.

mammamaia · 02-02-2006, 07:42 PM

cute!

d'ya think if he gave them some exercise equipement, they could give out whipped cream, too?

Rivettovski · 02-02-2006, 08:36 PM

Hilarious, entertaining, very well done.
I do agree that "
“Here’s your pancakes your vegetables, carrot cake and ice cream too,""
Didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, excellent.

Psycho6058 · 02-03-2006, 06:50 AM

Thank you all for the comments, glad it brought a chuckle. I fixed first line of the last stanza I think it reads better now. Thanks for the advise.

slayerofangels · 02-03-2006, 09:41 AM

Ha! Great piece, reads well and really brings a smile to your face.

Thanks Psycho!

Psycho6058 · 02-03-2006, 09:51 AM

Thank you, Slayer...

cbaird14 · 02-03-2006, 06:59 PM

Very entertaining, your rhyme scheme and plot always seem to keep me captivated right till the last line. Not only in this poem, but your others as well. But, like you others, I think you could tighten the lines somewhat. For example you say, "and now I’ve got just one small thing I’d like to ask of you." This is a very long sentnce describing a very simple thought. I know it fits perfectly into the rythem of the peice but it slows it down mentally.

With the length of your lines, I would like to see much more than you have put into them so far. Also why "The bargaining table, perhaps just the bargaining... your call but I didnt think table had any relevance to the poem itself.

I've read quickly over this critique and it sounds somewhat negative, do know that I appreciated the poem.
Thanks
Chris

Psycho6058 · 02-03-2006, 07:29 PM

Thanks for the critique Chris. As far as "tightening up the lines" I try to stay with a consistant meter of approx 14 beats as well as the rhyme scheme, some of my poems use 10 beats, but then I find I often can't get in all I want to say. As far as the title goes, I used bargaining table, because it's a reference to the "union" that the cows are in (see line 2). Again, thanks for reading.

cbaird14 · 02-03-2006, 08:37 PM

I realized that you are usuing a consistent meter, what I was trying to point out is that those 10 or 14 sylables could be used better. I dont ask that you put less syllables in the poem, but rather that you put more poem in the syllables.

I want to be clear that this was a good poem, obviously you have already put alot of effort into making it work, I do think it could be more dense. (I'll concede the title

)

Glad you are interested in my critique
Chris

Psycho6058 · 02-04-2006, 08:36 AM

Gotcha, thanks Chris.

silverwriter · 02-04-2006, 01:51 PM

cows eating pancakes. hehehe. that's one of the most interesting mental images.

i think everyone else has it covered. very, very amusing. brought a huge smile to my face and made me laugh.

*hugs*

jaime

Psycho6058 · 02-04-2006, 03:58 PM

Thanks, and pass the maple syrup please.