The Ass Poem - Writers Forum

murdershewrote2005 · 02-02-2006, 02:53 AM

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
I may not make it through the day
if 500 pounds my as should weigh
so keep it tight and keep it round
Oh, god forbid it touch the ground
If past 5 feet, my ass should grow
And turn into a blob of dough
please save me from late night distress
For at the table I obsess
My man’s averting do seek
An ass that’s not quite so obilique
He’d rather look at buns of steel
‘Cuz saggy ones just aren’t ideal
“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”
Still won’d’rin’ what he’ll say to that
“no, baby, your ass looks just fine,”
Though a lie, those words…divine
So I guess I don’t need you after all
until my ass gets not-so-small
but I could need you who-knows-when
Oh…thank god for ice cream
Amen.

J.R. MacLean · 02-02-2006, 08:28 AM

just now read an article: 32% of Americans are obese. 3% of Japanese. dieting is unknown in Japan.
fatass American culture.
poem is fun to read, cool rock n' roll style.

Jimbob · 02-02-2006, 11:21 AM

The rhyme is a bit strained in places, but what the hell. It's a fun read.

You've even worked in the question that no sane man would ever answer in the afirmative:

>“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”<

Enjoyed it.

Jimbob

Raging_Hopeful · 02-02-2006, 11:32 AM

Haha, I laughed my ass off! I liked it a lot, it was clever and had a good flow. There were a couple of parts that probably could be tightened up but the poem was so much fun to read, who cares?! Good job and keep writing!

02-02-2006, 12:12 PM

Kat · 02-02-2006, 12:19 PM

Very funny, could be tightened up in a few places but it's hilarious as it is. A woman after my own heart, ice cream you are my downfall.

murdershewrote2005 · 02-02-2006, 01:05 PM

Thanks everyone...it was a spur of the moment write...heh heh

Did I render you speechless Jen?

I'm finallly back! Mwah hahaha

Ahem...hehe

Jess

salvothasock · 02-02-2006, 10:52 PM

hmmm... innarestin, albeit chunky in spots, but fun, keep writing
-andy

Blackhawk_t · 02-03-2006, 01:08 AM

With a title like that, you have to stop and read it.

cbaird14 · 02-03-2006, 11:19 AM

Interesting idea, I think it was the beginning and end that I appreciated the most, they showed the most depth I guess. Some punctuation errors, could be fixed to made an easier read, "Though a lie those words…divine" needs a comma after lie.

Also some of the rhyme was forced,"‘cuz that shit causes thighs to shake" as an example, it gets away from the rythem of the piece and lets the ryhme take control.
However it was a good read and I think, somewhat deeper then it pretends to be.

Thanks
Chris

cbaird14 · 02-03-2006, 11:22 AM

Interesting idea, I think it was the beginning and end that I appreciated the most, they showed the most depth I guess. Some punctuation errors, could be fixed to made an easier read, "Though a lie those words…divine" needs a comma after lie.

Also some of the rhyme was forced,"‘cuz that shit causes thighs to shake" as an example, it gets away from the rythem of the piece and lets the ryhme take control.
However it was a good read and I think, somewhat deeper then it pretends to be.

Thanks
Chris

murdershewrote2005 · 02-03-2006, 11:49 AM

Thanks everyone, for the comments and for reading. I have been working slowly on edits...I havent rhymed in sometime so I'm a bit rusty, but I'm here to learn, so bah.

JEss