The Next Best Thing - Writers Forum

Blackhawk_t · 01-26-2006, 10:25 AM

(I think we have all had something like this at one time or another.)

It’s the next best thing sitting there on the shelf
I’ve got to have one you convince yourself.

I saw it on T.V., you tell the man in line,
I’m in no hurry, so please take your time.

Out to the car like it’s your new first born son,
You smile inside because you’ve got the first one.

You obey all the rules on the exhausting drive home,
You turn off the radio and hang up the cell phone.

You turn onto your street, and coast into the drive,
It’s been along time since you’ve felt this alive.

The kids sprint from the house to meet you on the lawn,
You stop for quick hugs and kisses and then keep pressing on.

Dinner is ready when you take your seat at the table,
You chew what you can and swallow what you’re able.

Then you excuse yourself from your chair and open the box.
Quickly untwist all the twist ties and unlock all the locks.

You use it over and over, never stopping to rest.
Perfecting its usage, just like you’re obsessed.

When you’re finally burnt out and it has no use anymore,
The next new best thing is in a closet, all alone, on the floor.

nae411 · 01-26-2006, 10:31 AM

Yes I think I agree we have all had something like this, well more the male species than females (at least from my experience). Made me smile. The only tiny thing that seemed awkward was the use of "a" floor in last line. "The" floor seems to fit better, but hey that's just me. Looking forward to reading more.

Nae ;0)

Blackhawk_t · 01-26-2006, 10:34 AM

I fixed it. Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. And yes, it is a guy thing. Women in general tend to have more restraint when balancing between priorities.

nae411 · 01-26-2006, 10:38 AM

You are welcome. I don't know that it is restraint, we just use to death whatever we buy, lol. At least I do...

Nae ;0)

silverwriter · 01-26-2006, 10:58 AM

not my usual way, but i'm going to do my suggestions in red. mmmmmkay?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t

(I think we have all had something like this at one time or another.)

It’s the next best thing sitting there on the shelf.
'I’ve got to have one,' you convince yourself.

'I saw it on T.V.,' you tell the man in line.
'I’m in no hurry, so please take your time.'

Out to the car like it’s your new first born son.
You smile inside because you’ve got the first one.

You obey all the rules on the exhausting drive home.
You turn off the radio (no comma) and hang up the cell phone.

You turn onto your street, and coast into the drive.
It’s been along time since you’ve felt this alive.

The kids sprint from the house to meet you on the lawn.
You stop for quick hugs and kisses and then keep pressing on.

Dinner is ready as you take your seat at the table, (this sentence reads a bit odd as far as the rhythm goes)
You chew what you can, and swallow what you’re able.

Then you excuse yourself from your chair(no comma) and open the box.
Quickly untwist all the twist ties and unlock all the locks. ooo i like this line

You use it over and over, never stopping to rest.
Perfecting its usage, just like you’re obsessed.

When you’re finally burnt out and it has no use anymore,
The next new best thing is in a closet, all alone, on the floor.

awww. this is a nice poem because it reminds me that adults can be just like children with their toys. hehe.

nicely done and a nice piece to introduce me to your poetry.

jaime

Blackhawk_t · 01-26-2006, 11:04 AM

I adjusted your suggestions, and tried a new word on that line that didn't flow.

Thank you for the feedback.

Oasis Writer · 02-13-2006, 06:34 PM

This is a very good poem. Very awesome, very true. Good work.