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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
01-26-2006, 08:21 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,377
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Insomnia
First Draft... Another depress sit-rep.... Suggestions welcome.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time passes slowly at 3 a.m.
A small electronic sound
kills the display lights.
Alone in the dark,
wrapped in the shadows
of my cynic's realism,
I watch my space morph
into the claustrophobic oblivion
of the woods at night.
A cat patters across the roof.
I shift my stance,
resolving, as chill restlessness
mocks my condition,
to seek comfort
in the friendly flickering
of a candle flame.
Time passes slowly at 3 a.m.
__________________
For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.
Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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01-26-2006, 10:17 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,552
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hmm. this is an interesting one. i think it could be expanded a bit to give the reader a bit more feel of the surrounds, the narrator's feelings (though you have done that well), and just some other general stuff.
i love the first and last line matching. it works very well for this piece.
*hugs*
jaime
__________________
"Just remember, wherever you are, that's what time it is." - eggo
"I write in bed. Afterwards, I offer my laptop a cigarette." - Jolly McJollyson
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01-26-2006, 10:33 AM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Catalunya, Spain
Gender: Female
Posts: 529
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This has a haunting aspect to it, which I like a lot.
I concur with Jaime, about the closing line. Well done Slayer!
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01-26-2006, 10:41 AM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,377
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Eleda and Jaime: Glad you liked it! And as said above, its a first draft, so I'll be doing some more work on it...
__________________
For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.
Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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01-26-2006, 04:47 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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An intruiging beginning. It feels like much more could be and then distilled down to get to the core of the matter, which is barely hinted at here. cheers jrmac
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01-26-2006, 07:09 PM
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#6
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Penguin-in-Chief
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Edinburgh
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,528
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I like the narrowness of perspective here. Physical details keep melancholy poetry from entering melodrama. 'Alone in the dark' has been written enough times to make it a cliché, by my reckoning. I also wouldn't describe woods as claustraphobic as such (surely no more so than a confined space like a room?), but am happy to conceed error.
Unambitious but accomplished.
Edit: What joy is there in calling a poem about insomnia 'Insomnia'? A little banal for my taste.
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01-27-2006, 03:27 AM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,377
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I'm open to suggestions for a better title.... And it's not the woods themselves that are claustrophobic, its the darkness. Have you ever been in the woods at 3 a.m.? You can't make out anything over a foot away from you, and at that time of the night it is scarily quiet...
__________________
For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.
Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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