slayerofangels

First Draft... Another depress sit-rep.... Suggestions welcome.
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Time passes slowly at 3 a.m.

A small electronic sound
kills the display lights.
Alone in the dark,
wrapped in the shadows
of my cynic's realism,
I watch my space morph
into the claustrophobic oblivion
of the woods at night.

A cat patters across the roof.
I shift my stance,
resolving, as chill restlessness
mocks my condition,
to seek comfort
in the friendly flickering
of a candle flame.

Time passes slowly at 3 a.m.

__________________

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Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

silverwriter

hmm. this is an interesting one. i think it could be expanded a bit to give the reader a bit more feel of the surrounds, the narrator's feelings (though you have done that well), and just some other general stuff.

i love the first and last line matching. it works very well for this piece.

*hugs*

jaime

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eleda

This has a haunting aspect to it, which I like a lot.
I concur with Jaime, about the closing line. Well done Slayer!

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slayerofangels

Eleda and Jaime: Glad you liked it! And as said above, its a first draft, so I'll be doing some more work on it...

__________________

For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.

Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

J.R. MacLean

An intruiging beginning. It feels like much more could be and then distilled down to get to the core of the matter, which is barely hinted at here. cheers jrmac

Pawn

I like the narrowness of perspective here. Physical details keep melancholy poetry from entering melodrama. 'Alone in the dark' has been written enough times to make it a cliché, by my reckoning. I also wouldn't describe woods as claustraphobic as such (surely no more so than a confined space like a room?), but am happy to conceed error.

Unambitious but accomplished.

Edit: What joy is there in calling a poem about insomnia 'Insomnia'? A little banal for my taste.

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slayerofangels

I'm open to suggestions for a better title.... And it's not the woods themselves that are claustrophobic, its the darkness. Have you ever been in the woods at 3 a.m.? You can't make out anything over a foot away from you, and at that time of the night it is scarily quiet...

__________________

For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.

Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche