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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 01-25-2006, 03:05 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Moments

Moments lost in an instant
That took a lifetime to achieve.
Relations grow distant,
And what you thought
is only what you first perceived.

Is it the journey you hunger for
Or the destination that keeps you searching.
A thing once done you can never restore
Some things are beyond mans salvation.

All things end,
As all things start.
Be careful on what you depend,
For living is not for the faint of heart.

Be wise on what you conclude,
Pass on whatever goodness you can.
Do not be quick to delude,
for doing what's right you'll be a better man


/\ The revised version
ll
ll





Original Draft


Moments lost in an instant
That takes a lifetime to achieve.
Relations grow distant
And what you thought is now only what you could first perceive.
Is it the journey you're looking for?
Or are you looking for the destination.
A thing once done you can never restore
Some things are beyond all salvation.
All things end,
As all things start.
Be careful on what you depend,
For living is not for the faint of heart.
Be wise on what you conclude,
Pass on whatever goodness you can.
No one should you delude,
Take to heart what's been said and hopefully for it you'll be a better man
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Last edited by LastStand : 01-25-2006 at 06:30 AM.
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Old 01-25-2006, 04:11 AM   #2
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Hey Ty, I really like the message of your poem, very deep insight. I think in some lines, you could economize on the words, tighten it up a little.

Quote:
Moments lost in an instant
That took a lifetime to achieve.
Relations grow distant
and what you thought
is only what you first perceived.
Quote:
Is it the journey you hunger for
Or the destination that keeps you
searching?
If you broke up the poem into stanzas it would read better. Just some ideas to consider. Well done!
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Last edited by eleda : 01-25-2006 at 04:27 AM.
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Old 01-25-2006, 06:22 AM   #3
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ty so much, will fix the problems you pointed out and will break it up into stanza's,



thank you very much for the comment
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Old 01-25-2006, 11:45 PM   #4
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everyone else think the peoms good or what, still looking for some others people's feedback and views
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