Sparx

Dying Petals


It’s the garden where roses meet
to display their petals to the curious eyes of people
that she lures me to after Sunday school. She’s elegant,
this girl, her perfectly carved hips wiggle as she caresses the petals,
hair flows like African rivers and her skin, a desert wrapped in chocolate.
As my eyes dance on her body, I feel my lips pleading to touch her...

The petals are turning brown, the petals are turning brown.

Once the clouds go grumpy and old
and begin to give the earth his much needed bath,
she grabs me, with her eyes, her seducing eyes
and pulls me into her bedroom- her haven of hidden fantasies.
Casually, her hands slither across her skirt, revealing her naked flower.
I close my eyes, for I feel lust, that cheeky, little girl deep in my heart
begin to break through the barriers of my will and take over my body.
As she removes my clothes with her eyes, I think of the roses outside…

The petals are turning brown, the petals are turning brown.

I lay on her bed, feeling her lips glide
upon the unscarred facade of my body, eradicating all pureness.
I feel god’s eyes watch me, beckoning me to fight my desire
but I’m weak, my soul tainted by lust and my body spoilt by her eyes.
She looks at me, her emotions tangled in her fantasies; she kisses my lips.
As I grasp her virginity, the roses in the garden begin to wilt…

The petals are turning brown

The petals are turning brown

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Lorlie

Wow. I feel the need to use expletives to get the feeling of OMG across, but I won't.
You are an amazingly talented writer, anyone with a soul will be touched by that.
Lorlie.

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The Oddville Press

Utopian Union

I have to say.. I like this poem very much.
You do a very good job of bringing around that sense of... well, I don't know how to describe it. But something.

The end is unexpected. But it works perfectly.

Good job!

Sparx

Lorlie and Utopian Union, thank you for the replies. I'm glad you both liked the poem. Took me some time to write.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Mithose

Hi Sparx,

Excellent read, about a topic that I really havn't heard enough about. The form works perfectly for the peice, and I have nothing intellegent to criticize.

Oh, - "...that cheeky, little girl deep in my heart
begin to break through... "

should "begin" be "begins"? It works either way I suppose.

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Here lies one whos name was writ in water

Psycho6058

Sparx, buddy, well written--drags you in and carries you throughout. Nicely done

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All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke

ms. vodka

hmmm... urgency and lust and shame? oh my!

bah, i can't load the damned edit mode because it keeps freaking out... so let me just say that in lines one to three, you switch tense. it was in the garden... that she lures me.

that's throwing me.

but otherwise, a very good read. intoxicating and intriguing, buth.

thank you,
vodka

Sparx

Ms Vodka thanks for pointing out that tense consistency mistake, I'll change that right away. I owe you one.

Psycho6058 and Mithose your're too kind. Thanks for the replies.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

J.R. MacLean

Really superbly crafted. Your hard work has paid off in an elegant and meaningful poem. Is her skin a desert 'wrapped in chocolate' or did you mean dessert? An old fashioned morality play that rings true. Impressive work.

cacafire

Hmm,hmm,mm, I'm just cruising the peotry forums. Oh! What's this? Dying Petals? Well, I guess it's worth a look; now let's see here... OMBFSANG!!!!!!! *gag's, crashes, and burns*

...

...

...

*wakes up*
Well, sparx, I admire your poetic talents. Is this personal experience for you? You don't have to answer, it just that the peom definetely hits personal experience for me. In a slilghtly different way...
Although, I must say, I hated lines 3-5.

specifically speaking, when one has given in to lust, it begs a question of remorse. personally speaking, I would be much happier with a life where I'm in control of my lust, and can let it out whever I choose. Instead of a life where I'm dominatad by it. It's not easy, and one may be weak, but it's not impossible.

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Sparx

"Is this personal experience for you"?

Yeah, could it say that it is. I have experienced something like this when i was young, much younger than I am now. However this poem isn't an exact account of that experience. Obviously I used some artistic license to make the poem appeal to the audience.


J.R. MacLean thanks for the feedback and i did mean "desert" as in "desert island". Thanks for the comments and feedback.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Wyndstar

Fruit off the vine rots fairly quickly, doesn't it? A lot loses it's appeal when it's no longer fresh, and then the regret sets in...

This prose is as succulent as any first temptation, just as enticing.

Nicely done, Sparx--very nicely done.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

TrEe FoX

I have to say, I really liked the way you used the wilting flowers instead of something else (like blooming flowers, I suppose); it really drives home what for me was a very melancholy, sepia feel.