Goddess Dance - Writers Forum

silverwriter · 01-09-2006, 11:58 PM

Deleted. Thanks for the comments.

missmojorising · 01-10-2006, 12:06 AM

Men (good ones, evil ones and make believe ones), a muse for a lot of us. I always have more to write about during romance and then subsequently heartbreak then I do on just an average day. I liked this--it twirled my imagination.

eleda · 01-10-2006, 04:14 AM

Oh, this poem has such a lovely feminine touch to it, like a sensual slow dance (pleasurable). I like the tempo and the feeling behind the words. It could use some minor editing, and the intention would still remain the same. Good work!

01-10-2006, 11:55 AM

Rhythm of the dance has slowed,
yet still I laugh and blush.
The wind still blows through the leaves (i'm not liking the use of the word 'still' in this piece. i'm not quite sure why, but i think you could find something better.)
over the delicate hush.

I still use the elements, (again here)
make them heed my call.
I bend to my will winds and waves.
Orange flames rise and fall.

Stars swirl around up in the heavens
with one twirl of my fingers.
But through all my simple play
a stronger power lingers.

I twist and turn, try to see,
he who dares to wander near.
I’m curious, my senses tingling,
but never do I feel fear.

A soft caress, a lover’s touch,
passes ’cross my face.
Inspires in me all new feelings,
deep inside me something base.

Ever I have danced alone,
but I want something more.
I feel something build inside me,
burning through my core.

Again I feel the soft caress…
I know he’s tempting me.
He starts a rhythm of his own
and comes where I can see.

I give him a seductive sway
to see what he will do.
I swiftly realize far too late, (i swiftly realize far too late seems akward)
he’s seduced me too.

He looks at me with strength and power.
I stare back unashamed.
We both know within an instant
each other’s hearts are claimed.

I give into my loving feelings,
give over to his charms.
I will forever dance within
the circle of his arms.

very nice silver. i had to comment this way because it's a little longer and i sometimes get confused. nice use of rhythm here, imo.

jen

A.A.Covington · 01-10-2006, 01:08 PM

I love this piece, it's absolutely beautiful! The rhythm of the words reminded me of a song - I could see the dancers, hear the tune... lovely. I'd love to read the first poem (I just joined, so I wasn't able to read the first one if it was posted - I'll search for it.).

silverwriter · 01-10-2006, 11:46 PM

Missmojorising - Thank you very much and glad you enjoyed it. Love - be it any aspect of it - certainly has an inspiring way about it...

Eleda - Thank you also. This poem is meant to be read slowly and savored. I'm glad you liked it.

Ms. V - Comment any way you like - it's always a pleasure to have your opinion. The use of 'still' comes from it being a sequel poem, but I can still change it to be more effective and pleasurable. Thank you very much for your comments. *gives a flower*

A.A.C - Thank you also for stopping by. I am glad you enjoyed it and even found it beautiful. *blush* It does have a sort of song quality about it now that you mention it... Thank you again.

*hugs*

Jaime

Starik · 01-11-2006, 01:32 AM

Hmm. I’m rather hesitant to be the first guy on this thread, but the poem is quite captivating, isn’t it?

To me it summons up gypsy dances around a summer’s evening campfire….
Perhaps a little wine…
just a little…
Golden earrings.
Long skirts flowing, flashes of the dancer's legs....

Ahem! Back to business!!

If “I swiftly realize far too late,” seems awkward,
would something like this do?

Then realize it’s far too late
and he’s seduced me too.

MariusBonaparte · 01-11-2006, 06:59 AM

hell, if you could make this poem turn into a women I'd date her. It is beautiful and rich with rhythm and meaning.

I loved it.

silverwriter · 01-11-2006, 05:00 PM

Starik - Hahaha. Very nice. I'm glad this poem could inspire such... pleasing images for you. *grin* *wink* Thanks for the comments.

Marius - Very nice to know. Thank you for the comments - they brought a smile to my face.

I'm glad you both enjoyed it.

Jaime

Wyndstar · 01-11-2006, 05:11 PM

The essence of most women I've ever met captured in verse--can't relate to some of it, but I can ride those parts I relate to into the ones I don't to feel them well enough. The one phrase of 'Ever I have danced alone' doesn't sound right to me, but other than that, it reminds me of watching leaves define the flow of a stream. I'm assuming there's going to be a part three, for the crone (I'll be doing a lot of relating on THAT one, I'm sure). Very sweet poem.vf

Kat · 01-11-2006, 08:27 PM

Reminds me of the Sumerian myths of Inanna, the courtship of Inanna and Dumuzi. It's sensual and moving

silverwriter · 01-12-2006, 12:32 PM

Wyndstar - I actually didn't think to add a part three, but it's only natural now that you have mentioned it. Thank you for bringing it up and thank you for the comments.

Kat - I will have to look that up. I'd be very interested to see what it's a about. Thank you for reading.

silverwriter · 01-12-2006, 12:46 PM

Rhythm of the dance has slowed,
yet still I laugh and blush.
The soft wind blows through the leaves
over the delicate hush.

I command the elements,
make them heed my call.
I bend to my will winds and waves.
Orange flames rise and fall.

Stars swirl around up in the heavens
with one twirl of my fingers.
But through all my simple play
a stronger power lingers.

I twist and turn, try to see,
he who dares to wander near.
I’m curious, my senses tingling,
but never do I feel fear.

A soft caress, a lover’s touch,
passes ’cross my face.
Inspires in me all new feelings,
deep inside me something base.

Ever I have danced alone,
but I want something more.
I feel something build inside me,
burning through my core.

Again I feel the soft caress…
I know he’s tempting me.
He starts a rhythm of his own
and comes where I can see.

I give him a seductive sway
to see what he will do.
Realization far too late…
He’s seduced me too.

He looks at me with strength and power.
I stare back unashamed.
We both know within an instant
each other’s hearts are claimed.

I give into my loving feelings,
give over to his charms.
I will forever dance within
the circle of his arms.

Better?

journyman161 · 01-17-2006, 06:06 AM

A lovely way to tell of the growth of passion, the depth of feeling & the play that two people go through as they move closer & grow together into thier entwined world. I am working my way through the quartet, to get them as a whole piece & the change in viewpoint & focus in this is entrancing of itself after Child Goddess.

You bring out the facets of your feelings & show them to us in ways that give glimpses of both yourself & us as we would like to be.

Nice work Jaime

silverwriter · 01-17-2006, 10:16 AM

thank you, love. as it stands, i have a hard time looking into myself and what the stages of life mean to me. the goddess quartet has freed me a bit to express where i've been, where i am, and where i am going - not only as myself, but as one half of such a deep relationship.

*hugs*

me