Upon the Mantlepiece - Writers Forum

Achilles · 01-09-2006, 09:03 PM

Three pictures seem not such
a lonely invention; whence
words are vaporized, emotions sealed

for naught. Shall I return
to downcast eyes, to time's
eternal torture? Far from that,
I shatter frames along the cool,
streamlined hearth, which tinkle;
tumble into tiny windows.

Three pictures remain upon the shelf,
though wreckage cleaned: disposed.
A wealth of stinging moments have cracked,
replaced with images of me.

J.R. MacLean · 01-09-2006, 09:17 PM

Me, myself and I. This is a rite of passage. The godlike ego, asserting his dominion. The style, tone and imagery are perfect for the theme. The 'tiny windows' are portals, only temporarily closed. I have lived this poem. Nice work.

01-09-2006, 11:43 PM

what a delicious treat to find on the forum upon returning home from uninspiring classes.

i do not like the word 'tinkle' nor the colon that follows.

also, i do not like the colon after cleaned.

i believe those could be semis, although you are free to prove me wrong.

other than that, this reeks of your work... and by that i mean i think it's very good... and i liked it very much. i will be back to read it again.

vodka

eleda · 01-10-2006, 04:20 AM

Agree with Vodka's assessment. However, this was a wonderful poem to read and the intention was felt. I liked the way you began and how it melted into the second stanza. Really good work!

Achilles · 01-10-2006, 07:54 AM

Thanks everybody for reading. I hoped for this to be a step above what I've been writing... my new year's commitment has sent me researching and reading like crazy lately. Your opinions are very welcome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

Me, myself and I. This is a rite of passage. The godlike ego, asserting his dominion. The style, tone and imagery are perfect for the theme. The 'tiny windows' are portals, only temporarily closed. I have lived this poem. Nice work.

Hit the nail on the head.

Achilles · 01-10-2006, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms. vodka

i believe those could be semis, although you are free to prove me wrong.

Disprove a belief? I'm not that good.

Though I will take it into consideration.

Pawn · 01-10-2006, 06:44 PM

Why a stanza break with no pause? That's a genuine question rather than a complaint.

You completely let yourself down with 'time's eternal torture'. Misjudgement or laziness, I hate it.

Otherwise I would agree that this represents a significant step forward: a graceful metaphor executed without convolution.

Oh, and the colon is definitely the more appropriate punctuation. A semi there would just be wishy-washy.

01-10-2006, 07:25 PM

No, no, no, no, no.

incorrect.

i don't care what you say. doesn't work.

co·lon1

( P ) Pronunciation Key (k

l

n)
n. pl. co·lons

1. A punctuation mark ( : ) used after a word introducing a quotation, an explanation, an example, or a series and often after the salutation of a business letter.

Achilles · 01-10-2006, 07:40 PM

Technically, neither forms of puctuation would work. Perhaps a dash, but I'm trying to stay away from those. I believe I'll leave it as is: one semi and one colon.

Pawn, the stanza break was intended to mark off the introduction from the body, in a manner of speaking, and to accentuate the half-meaning in the first line of the second stanza. The lack of pause was intended to link the first two stanzas, and again, to accentuate the underlying meaning imbedded in the syntax.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pawn

You completely let yourself down with 'time's eternal torture'. Misjudgement or laziness, I hate it.

Could you clarify?

Pawn · 01-10-2006, 08:20 PM

Yes, I see your justification, but a comma at the close of your first stanza would for me ease the very awkward transition while maintaining most of your effect.

I assumed my reasons for disliking that line would self-evident. It is melodrama of the highest order. The words even independantly are clichés.

Achilles · 01-10-2006, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pawn

It is melodrama of the highest order.

That's a good line.

No, not laziness, but now I can see more clearly my misjudgment. I'll try to insert some more original phrasing.

01-11-2006, 11:36 AM

i wouldn't take it too seriously if i were you, achilles, it's not like pawn is a stranger to melodrama himself.

Pawn · 01-11-2006, 01:54 PM

Meow.

Achilles · 01-11-2006, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms. vodka

i wouldn't take it too seriously if i were you, achilles, it's not like pawn is a stranger to melodrama himself.

Aye. My response to his quote was intended to point out his evident melodrama and the irony involved...

I'm not worried about melodrama; I am worried about cliches.

Achilles · 01-24-2006, 06:50 PM

Here's another edit. In accordance with suggestions, I changed the major cliche to something less obvious. I think it works better.

Upon the Mantlepiece

Three pictures seem not such
a lonely invention; whence
words are vaporized, emotions sealed

for naught. Shall I return
to downcast eyes until the
day of judgment? Far from that,
I shatter frames along the cool,
streamlined hearth, which tinkle;
tumble into tiny windows.

Three pictures remain upon the shelf,
though wreckage cleaned: disposed.
A wealth of stinging moments have cracked,
replaced with images of me.