Jesus on Forty-second Street - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 01-09-2006, 10:37 AM

Jesus walked up Forty-second Street
and came into my diner,
sitting at a booth with a view.

“Coffee please.” Was all he said,
but I had an urge to write it down
(in red ink of course).

“Sweet Jesus?” said I
“No, black.” He said,
and as he spoke I heard
Kettledrums rumbling from afar.

His smile warmed the diner,
and melted the snow on the sidewalk.

“Tell me how I can serve you, Lord.”
“Keep my cup filled.” He said.

Sliding a tip under the coffee cup,
He got up to leave.
“How can I be a better Christian, Lord?”

He stopped before reaching the door,
Turned over his shoulder with a smile
And said: “Don’t overcharge for the bagels.”

Tomorrow a new sign was on the diner.
“Free bagels with coffee and Christ.”

missmojorising · 01-09-2006, 11:05 AM

very good. I like it a lot.

http://www.epinions.com/content_162141343364

Jimbob · 01-09-2006, 11:18 AM

psycho,

One of your better pieces, I think. It made me smile. Just a couple of suggestions:

Maybe the waiter could say "Sweet Jesus!" Also, if you could somehow work it into the rhyme scheme, maybe Jesus' tip could be "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (or some shorter paraphrase thereof). Alternatively, you could express the line about not overcharging for the bagels as the tip Jesus left.

Jimbob

Sparx · 01-09-2006, 01:01 PM

Brilliant and smart. I really love your writing style. Your always have wit and humor in your poems and they are written so simply, so the poem is accessible to the reader. The title was just genius and caught my attention immediately. The last two lines of this poem where ingenious. Again, brilliant piece.

Psycho6058 · 01-09-2006, 01:27 PM

mismojo:thank you, also enjoyed your link sounds like a movie I'd like.
JimBob: The reason for the question mark instead of the exclamation is the waiter wants confirmation, whereas Jesus is taking it as an offer for suger.
I like your tip suggestion, I may work on that, but I don't know about rhyming.
Sparx:Thank you much, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

mjk · 01-09-2006, 01:31 PM

this is great.

Quote:

“Sweet Jesus?” said I
“No, black.” He said

oh, that's genius. i like jimbob's idea of turning the question mark into an exclaimation point.

i really enjoyed this poem. thanks for posting it.

Ilan Bouchard · 01-09-2006, 02:50 PM

I like the "Sweet Jesus" comment as it is.

This was very amusing. Thanks for the read.

Psycho6058 · 01-09-2006, 04:08 PM

mjk and Ilan thank you very much.

Gartogg · 01-09-2006, 04:10 PM

The narrative was very good, and the poem as a whole was poignant. The last couplet was particularly good. There were several certainly lines in the poem that struck me, but a couple of thing that seemed a bit out of place:

The poem seemed to lack unity; was the point to emphasize the banality of being a good person? Then Why include the line about writing down the order? (among others)

Also, one thing I just didn't get; what is the significance of the kettledrums?

01-09-2006, 06:03 PM

psycho, this rocks.

i enjoyed it very much, and also got a kick out of the sweet jesus line.

you're quite on lately.

vodka

Nox · 01-10-2006, 12:36 AM

I know this isn't a real crit, but I don't care... I just wanted to tell you that I LOVED this..

Lorlie · 01-10-2006, 06:20 AM

Phsyco,

Your poetry is brilliant, I read this one to my 8 yr old and my 5 yr old, they are very interested in anything to do with New York because I was there in November, and as we live in Ireland it is a world away. Anyway, I digress, my 8 year old thought it was so KEWL that Jesus would go in for a coffee, my 5 year old (amazing child) wanted to know why he would have to pay when he is Jesus.
Love your stuff.

Lorlie

Psycho6058 · 01-10-2006, 08:22 AM

Wow, thank you all very much. I'm overwhelmed by the response. I especially appreciate Lorlie's remarks about reading it to her kids, because I was trying to brink a sort of "parable" story to a modern setting to show how things change and yet remain the same. And for Gartogg, the kettledrums were only there to "reinforce" the waiters belief that it was Jesus at his table, kind of like hearing a drum roll.

Seajay · 01-10-2006, 06:01 PM

Way to go psycho:
I really liked reading you poem outloud in a really cool voice.
I like to twist at the end.
you brought the christian message out in a most unique way...
you are a natural story teller!

Psycho6058 · 01-10-2006, 07:17 PM

Thank you very much Seajay I appreciate that a lot.