A Swift and Merciful End - Writers Forum

Rico · 01-09-2006, 10:13 AM

-Edited version at the end of this thread-

He lies on the floor, bruised and broken
cradling the hand that drips red, red blood,
feels a phantom finger itch and focuses on the
cold grey cement pressing on his bloody back.

Rolling onto his side presents a new wave
of agonies, as broken ribs press and grind
sending stars in front of his eyes as he bites
his tongue to allow his pains no voice.

Utter silence except for his harsh exhalations,
the waiting is almost worse than the pain, silence
broken with the rumbles of an unfed stomach and
ringing in the depths of an unmedicated mind.

Dipping his fingers in the white powder, bringing
it to chapped, dry lips, tasting its bitterness and
not caring that the poison will most likely bring
the swift end they have been so eager to deny.

Sparx · 01-09-2006, 01:22 PM

Not bad at all. You have a few good imagery within this dark piece however I do have some nits with it that I personally think you should address:

"cradling the hand that drips red, red blood",

I really don't understand why you repeated the word “red” twice. I don't see any reason in emphasizing that the blood was “red”. Everyone knows blood is red so why emphasize it as if it’s significant? Also, I think you could create a better image to describe the blood.

"broken with the rumbles of an unfed stomach and"

Never end a line of verse with "and". "And" is a conjunction word, therefore you can't end a line with this word or the line as a whole doesn't make sense or is incomplete. Also, I don't see why you would end it at "and". You should, generally, end a line with a word that you want to emphasize to the reader or a word that ends the line as a unit.

"the swift end they have been so eager to deny"

I really don't understand the last line. Who are you referring to when you say "they"? I mean throughout the whole piece, you have been describing this man lying on a floor who seems to be under some great pain and suddenly in this line you mention they. As a reader I’m pretty confused.

Hope my little critique helped. I do really like this poem and I liked reading it. If you can address those nits above and fix them; this will go from a decent poem to a great poem. Good luck.

journyman161 · 01-09-2006, 02:56 PM

Dark moments indeed. I saw the red, red emphasis as being the focus on the colour - everything else seems grey & dark so the blood would be shockingly red.

What comes through is the strength & courage of the man, determined not to give them anything - I see 'they' as being those who have done this, those for whom he is staying mute, giving no satisfaction to those who have hurt him like this.

From my safe little life I fervently wish I never face such a situation, choosing death to simply deny evil people their satisfaction. Although the line about 'almost not caring' seems to indicate there is something other than death going on here.

Dark indeed, this work. Don't know why you think your muse has gone anywhere - I just wish I hadn't chosen to read this over breakfast.

A bigger font would be nice though.

silverwriter · 01-09-2006, 05:21 PM

I almost wish I didn't know exactly what you were talking about because then I would be able to give a different perspective.

Ah well.

Very effective and I like the use of the two stark colors - red and white.

"the swift end they have been so eager to deny." - My favorite line just because the way you put it. Very nice.

Love
Jaime

J.R. MacLean · 01-09-2006, 05:37 PM

Powerful and vivid. I don't mean this as a bad thing, but it reads more like what could be great prose in a larger story, rather than as a completed poem in itself.
cheers j.r.

Rico · 01-09-2006, 05:52 PM

Sparx - thanks for your opinions. I will almost certainly take your second and third suggestions, but I think I will leave the 'red, red blood' line alone.

Mark & Jaime (you only count as one person now) - thanks to both of you for commenting. My love to you both.

J.R. - perhaps you're right about the potential for a piece of prose work from this same basic idea...I just don't think I can write it and give it justice at this point in time.

01-09-2006, 06:26 PM

this is clear, tense and strange.

according to my poetry teacher, you have touched upon some important areas of writing good poetry.

slap me now.

i love you.

jen

Rico · 01-09-2006, 07:04 PM

why thank you jen darling.

do you want to be slapped? *grin*

if that's the case, many slaps for you. heh.

I love you too

Rico

silverwriter · 01-09-2006, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rico

Mark & Jaime (you only count as one person now) - thanks to both of you for commenting. My love to you both.

Does that mean if we got married and then divorced, he'd get half my post count?

Hmmm.

Oh, yeah.

*bump*

Love
Jaime

Rico · 01-10-2006, 09:41 AM

heh. I suppose.

thanks for the bump. *grin*

Burnz · 01-10-2006, 12:42 PM

Rico-

nicely done. I enjoy your work more and more lately. while the muse is away, the poet shall while without stay.

Rico · 01-10-2006, 06:00 PM

thanks burnz

Rico · 01-11-2006, 10:25 PM

better or worse than before?

Cold grey cement presses on bloody back
as he lies bruised and broken, like a ragdoll;
cradles the hand as it drips red, red blood,
and a phantom finger itches maddeningly.

Broken ribs press and grind to blind his vision
bites his tongue not to scream as warm blood
fills his mouth; no position allows even a moment
of relief from unceasing agony.

Rumbles of an unfed stomach and ringing
of an unmedicated mind break an utter silence
punctuated by his harsh exhalations - waiting
a self-inflicted torment worse than any beating.

Decisions made, dipping fingers in white powder,
tasting the bitterness on his tongue as he swallows,
reveling in the swift end it will bring, defying
those who delight in his suffering.

mjk · 01-11-2006, 10:59 PM

okay, so i've read both several times now and....

damn, rico, it's a tough, tough call.

figurative gun to my head? the edited version. the first line grabs attention more so than the original and that last line wraps it nicely.

both are excellent. thanks for posting.

Rico · 01-11-2006, 11:30 PM

thanks mjk.

I personally prefer the beginning of the edited version and the end of the original.

But I may still play around with it some.