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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 12-03-2005, 07:59 PM   #1
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Salvation's Wings

Soaring through the canyons,
knowingly taking flight.
Upon the backs of dragons
With fear abolished,
fight.

To where they lead us
we do not know.
The mind shall twist us,
but shaln't let go.

Thousands of feet
suspended high in the air;
If you should ever fall,
I'll catch you with care.

Held high in place
with nothing but love
I'll descend through the heavens
Your saviour from above. . . . .
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Last edited by Shinyui : 01-09-2006 at 10:45 PM.
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Old 12-04-2005, 04:16 PM   #2
ms. vodka
 
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okay, what's up with stanza one? there's no rhyme and the repetition of the last line is not working.

the rest of the rhyme is okay, but the rhythm seems a bit off in places.

i don't know, this feels somehow incomplete to me.

vodka
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Old 12-04-2005, 05:15 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ms. vodka

i don't know, this feels somehow incomplete to me.
I'd have to agree. I like it alright, and the subject matter is cool, but it does feel incomplete.
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