Haiku - Writers Forum

Ilan Bouchard · 12-03-2005, 06:26 PM

Upon pale snowfall
One lies in patient delay
As tea brews, then cools.

music2177 · 12-04-2005, 01:51 AM

i'd try to add some kind of clarification to the final stanza. starting with 'as'? it would be fine as well if you choose not to change it at all, it gave me a strong specific feeling, and i enjoyed it. what i'm trying to say is- if you feel uncomfortable with it or are looking to change it, i'd think about the third line. infact, it would be interesting to see how many different iterations of this you could come up with without changing the meaning. think about how different words convey different feelings. what is the most effective word? the most ineffective (i'd say 'as' in the third line)? having said all of this, i think your piece is magnificent, although my knowledge and experience with haikus is limited.

Ilan Bouchard · 12-04-2005, 11:03 AM

Merci, music.

The "as" does throw the piece off; I shall see what can be done about that when/if I get some more responses.

Achilles · 12-04-2005, 11:43 AM

Very thought-provoking piece, Ilan.

I think the comma in the last line is unnecessary. I'm unsure of it's need grammatically, but I think it needs to go no matter what. As for the "as", perhaps "when" would be an acceptable substitute.

Achilles

halfapersona · 12-04-2005, 11:44 AM

Well I'm not exactly well versed in haiku so I'll come at this as a purely naive point of view, a layman in much the same way most readers will come to it. I like the version you have. I would have thought, though I may be wrong, that the 'as' is needed if you want to have the 'then' that appears later in the third line and I think the third line is very strong in that it implies a relationship between the 'one' that lies patiently and the coffee. For some reason I'm fascinated by that.

I think the most interesting thing about it is that it conjures up a feeling of someone watching another from inside a house. I'm not sure if that was the intention but in three lines, like Music says, you create a definite mood and even a loose plot in the way I read it. Overall I really like it.

Ilan Bouchard · 12-04-2005, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Achilles

Very thought-provoking piece, Ilan.

I think the comma in the last line is unnecessary. I'm unsure of it's need grammatically, but I think it needs to go no matter what. As for the "as", perhaps "when" would be an acceptable substitute.

Achilles

What about "while," or "whilst"?

The comma shall go. Thanks for the suggestion(s).

halfapersona, thanks for the good comments. They confirm the mood I wanted to present in the poem.

Achilles · 12-04-2005, 11:57 AM

I like while too. It conveys the meaning better than when.

J.R. MacLean · 12-04-2005, 03:08 PM

As for this whole as thing it's a tempest in- nevermind. Your haiku is lovely as it is: a suspended, relaxed, silent feeling of a lazy Sunday afternoon. Something may be a little off but it's like the story of the apprentice who spends hours and hours making the garden spotlessly perfect. The Master arrives to inspect and promptly scatters a handful of dead leaves. "There," he says. "Now it is just right!"

music2177 · 12-04-2005, 03:25 PM

yes, i agree with Maclean.

Ilan Bouchard · 12-04-2005, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

As for this whole as thing it's a tempest in- nevermind. Your haiku is lovely as it is: a suspended, relaxed, silent feeling of a lazy Sunday afternoon. Something may be a little off but it's like the story of the apprentice who spends hours and hours making the garden spotlessly perfect. The Master arrives to inspect and promptly scatters a handful of dead leaves. "There," he says. "Now it is just right!"

That's a complimentary analogy.

Thanks 'Lean.

Ilan Bouchard · 12-04-2005, 03:34 PM

On second thought, Achilles, I don't think I'll get rid of the comma on the last line. It seems like it would be too rushed without it, and I want the last line to seem as long as the first two.