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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-30-2005, 01:38 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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Adultery #5 (Not for young readers!)
Running home
From where we sat
Thinking, God,
He's good at that
Alone we stood
Breathing slow
Thinking things
That we both know
It's now or never
An unlit closet
And now it's going
We can't pause it
Hands run wild
Fingers tracing
Lips are sliding
Hearts are racing
Someone's coming
Down the hall
My back is pressed
Against the wall
The doorknob turns
As flies unzip
My heels are up
Against his hip
His girlfriend's there
We know we're caught
With hands tied up
In sin we sought
A frightened gasp
Alarm clock screams
Of course, I think,
Just a dream.
__________________
DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 01:47 AM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: kensington, nh
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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i like it. its delicious.
andy
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purple junk diluted iguana infested snarkleberries hungry traveller
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11-30-2005, 01:50 AM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Fantastic! I love the flow, but I hate adultery! Great poem all the same, post some more.
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 01:56 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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I aim to please, kids. And I would never cheat, this is a work of puuuuuure fiction.
__________________
DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 02:04 AM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Yeah I bet baby, so where we meeting at? lol Good poem...I like it. 
__________________
~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 03:53 AM
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#6
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Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Fayetteville, AR
Gender: Male
Posts: 20
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nice. i love battling with reality
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11-30-2005, 03:59 AM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 83
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Hey! That's a good poem!
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11-30-2005, 08:41 AM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 205
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awesome, awesome
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11-30-2005, 09:05 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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Thank you, thank you. 
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 10:10 AM
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#10
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 165
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Some folks believe dreams foretell our future—or express our desires. Other folks believe dreams are just something we’ve thought about or merely the nocturnal ramblings of an imaginative mind.
I don’t know what’s true about dreams, and I don’t much care as long as we don’t take them too seriously.
What you wrote is a poem. Yep. A good, old-fashioned, understandable poem! I like it! I enjoyed it! I laughed because of it! Thank you!
Well, I guess there are a couple little variations in meter, but that’s “poetic license”!
Also, a question. Is it adultery if the “injured” party is only his girlfriend? Perhaps the old boy just switched horses in mid-stream. Er, let me re-word that. Perhaps a better couple (coupling?) was formed. Hmm. That wasn’t too good either. Gotta think about this… <wink>
Heck of a good poem though! |
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11-30-2005, 10:57 AM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,378
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I liked this poem too. The poem flows quickly, which is exactly what you'd want in that situation, and it ends on a great note.
Great Work!
Slayer
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For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.
Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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11-30-2005, 08:18 PM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boston -ish
Posts: 215
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interesting..a like how you dance around the ideas without actually spelling anything out clearly.
Heels and hips, that's a wonderful way to put things
I would change girlfriend to wife... or, better yet, just leave the line as "and then she is there"..given the context, we know who it would be, and the significance of it.
Likewise, if you could work out the word 'caught'... that's such a literal way to say it... maybe find another way to suggest it? it would make the poem that much stronger, since the reader would work that out themselves without it being spelled out.
great work though, you should be proud!
nice work |
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12-01-2005, 01:02 AM
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#13
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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All duly noted, thanks guys.
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-CFH
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