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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-29-2005, 04:40 PM
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#1
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Mr.Man (Strong Sexual Content)
A little girl, a little boy,
Mr. Man gives them a toy.
With a smile they accept,
Slowly, slowly as he crept.
Into their lives and by their
Sides, Mr. Man he sits and hides.
Watching, waiting, masturbating,
Boy and girl he is degrading.
Mom and dad have left the home,
Boy and girl are all alone.
Mr.Man drops his pants, being quick
To seize his chance.
Boy and girl he penetrates,
violently both he rapes.
Boy and girl are scarred forever,
Memories are ending never.
Of the day with a smile,
a toy accepted from the vile.
Mr. Man they loved so dear,
allowing him to get so near.
Only to betray them both,
now this man they learned to loathe.
Stolen from them, kept forever,
part of them that returns never.
This all given for a toy,
trapped inside his sickened ploy.
Mr. Man and his pleasure, I hope to you this
happens never.
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~deDiego~
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11-29-2005, 11:40 PM
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#2
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Wow, I'm loving the feedback...
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~deDiego~
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11-29-2005, 11:43 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: North Carolina
Gender: Male
Posts: 900
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EXCELLENT--Very strong and meaningful... I don't know much about poetry but this was good.
As for the feedback--I understand how it can be...i've posted on here and well, only certain people have given me feedback 
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"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."
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11-29-2005, 11:58 PM
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#4
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Yeah, that's annoying, this is supposed to be a writing forum. Anyways, thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it.
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 12:12 AM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Indeed
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 12:29 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Magic Theater
Posts: 469
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by deDiego
Yeah, that's annoying, this is supposed to be a writing forum. Anyways, thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it.
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deDiego,
tsk tsk,
how many poems have you replied to?
That is the best way to get feedback.
As far as the poem,
There is too much space and centering it is rather pointless. I would get rid of both the spacing and the centering.
The poem itself reads nice. It flows and has meter. I don't particularly like it because it just isn't the kind of poetry that I tend to like. It says something but not really anything new. It doesn't really say it in a different way either. I'm not trying to discourage you, I am just generally honest with my opinion. The poem shows that you have a talent for manipulating the language, I just don't like what it is being manipulated into. I do like that you want to say something though. I would just like to see it said differently. Getting rid of the spacing and centering would be a significant improvement. I hope this is helpful. I can try to explain further as well.
Regards,
Skylor
__________________
Being deep and appearing deep.--- Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water. -Nietzsche
Last edited by Harry Haller : 11-30-2005 at 12:39 AM.
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11-30-2005, 12:38 AM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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I've actually replied to many poems, so that obviously isn't the problem. As far as the centering and spacing goes, it did that automatically and I didn't really mind, so I kept it. However, if it really is bothering you, I suppose I could go out of my way to change it. So I'm reading your feedback and the main problem is just your opinion on the subject of the poem. If you would like me to explain every word of every line to you and what it means I'd be more then happy to, maybe then my poem would have more meaning to you. Maybe then it would say something new in a different way. Then again, maybe not. Try reading it again, and think about what the poem says, every word means something.
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 12:48 AM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Magic Theater
Posts: 469
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deDiego,
If you don't want any criticism then do not ask for replys. You are certainly overreacting. At the time I wrote the reply you hadn't replied to any poems. I was telling you how to get people to reply to yours. If you want to get better than you need to learn your strengths and weaknesses. I already stated that I would explain further if need be. It isn't my opinion of the subject of the poem. I'm not trying to be scathing towards you so stop taking offense. I'm offering you my opinion and trying to be helpful.
Regards,
Skylor
__________________
Being deep and appearing deep.--- Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water. -Nietzsche
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11-30-2005, 12:59 AM
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#9
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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Are you mad? I took no offense at all. I appreciate criticism for everything it's worth. Obviously you took what I was saying the wrong way. I tend to have what seems like an attitude but that's just the way I write, maybe it's because I'm a sagittarius. My point was merely this: If you don't like the subject of the poem, that isn't my weakness, that's your prefference. Like I said, I would be more then happy for you to go into further detail, because a good writer is always looking for criticism. So now that we have this misunderstanding out of the way, please, go on...
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 01:34 AM
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#10
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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I wholeheartedly disagree with Skylor. I think that this poem was brilliant both in its use of almost sing-songy rhyme and rhythm and simple vocabulary. It had an almost child-like quality to it which only heightened the feeling of disgust and anger towards the man described in the poem. I think it was extremely clever and well done, and I honestly feel any criticism I could give would only take away from its quality. Well done, deDiego. I look forward to reading more from you.
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 01:40 AM
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#11
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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I feel you're the first reader who read it and got it for what it is. Thanks a ton, and if you write anything let me know, I'd be more then happy to read it. 
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~deDiego~
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11-30-2005, 01:42 AM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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:  oints to Adultery #5 In Poetry section.::
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 01:42 AM
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#13
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Annapolis
Posts: 328
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What? I meant to write Points. Apparently a colon and a P make a face. Who knew?
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DELICIOUS
-CFH
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11-30-2005, 01:48 AM
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#14
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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lol There's just so much new technology out there, it's too much to handle!
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~deDiego~
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12-01-2005, 12:35 PM
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#15
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North Bend,Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 80
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More people should read this...lol
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~deDiego~
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