Unpolished, unpleasant - Writers Forum

TMMC · 11-29-2005, 03:19 AM

How can I get you to see?
It's not what I've done, but what I can do.
The logic combined with the passion of creativity.
Truth isn't always what it appears to be.

The heaviness of this writing is intended to weigh down your mind,
to enlighten the dark parts, and frighten the light.
Searching through the creamy bitterness leaves me open to the
enormity of all that you are, which is nothing.

No more my dream, no longer a program,
now you're a parent, a person, a flightrisk.
Don't you see?
You're no longer you under that fiery gaze, you're me.

Confront it; throw up your anger and hold down the nonsense.
Can the production continue?
Will the mystery vanish?
In this case of emergency, break the glass and start over.

slayerofangels · 11-29-2005, 04:11 AM

I like the imagery and the flow of this piece. The ending was what blew me away though.

Quote:

In this case of emergency, break the glass and start over.

This is beautiful.

Regards
Slayer

11-29-2005, 06:13 PM

i think this is a very nice start, but it's bumpy and needs smoothing out.

the rhythm is all over the place and it makes it hard to appreciate the excellent imagery, imo.

vodka

TMMC · 11-29-2005, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms. vodka

i think this is a very nice start, but it's bumpy and needs smoothing out.

the rhythm is all over the place and it makes it hard to appreciate the excellent imagery, imo.

vodka

Thank you. I was actually experimenting with writing a very "unpolished" and bumpy poem. It worked very well for what I was going for, but in no way is it smooth. I am going to re-write it in a more flowing manner to see if I still like it, but otherwise, I got what I went for....and you are right in your opinion too.

deDiego · 11-30-2005, 12:27 AM

Compared to Slide Bite, this is much better. I enjoyed a few parts of it, but in my opinion it's hard to write a good poem, because like I said before, good poems have to come from the heart. So it's hard to write without looking like you're saying something just because it rhymes, or just because it has a ring to it.

"It's not what I've done, but what I can do."

A line like this is almost trying too hard in my opinion. Honestly though, I'm just starting as a poet too and I most likely don't have any room to talk, so anyways, good poem.

TMMC · 11-30-2005, 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deDiego

Compared to Slide Bite, this is much better. I enjoyed a few parts of it, but in my opinion it's hard to write a good poem, because like I said before, good poems have to come from the heart. So it's hard to write without looking like you're saying something just because it rhymes, or just because it has a ring to it.

"It's not what I've done, but what I can do."

A line like this is almost trying too hard in my opinion. Honestly though, I'm just starting as a poet too and I most likely don't have any room to talk, so anyways, good poem.

Thank you.
Like I said before, this poem was forced completely, but based on real emotion. It was a test, and in many ways I both failed and succeeded. Try others of mine....maybe you'll like them more. I assure you, I write from the heart, but I'm poorly edjucated in english writing, so I make many mistakes.

deDiego · 11-30-2005, 01:03 AM

Well with a handicap in english that just makes you all the better. Good writing for a lack of education. Anyways, I did enjoy this poem much more, and if you post others I'll read them.

Wasson · 11-30-2005, 03:51 AM

I'm afraid I feel absolutely nothing from your poem.

TMMC · 11-30-2005, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wasson

I'm afraid I feel absolutely nothing from your poem.

He he he....don't be afraid, that'a huge part of poetry. Can't reach everyone, not for the lack of trying. There are often times when I read something that obviously means something to the writer, and I can't get anything out of it.