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salvo,
I feel like this is just on the edge of working but then doesn't. It doesn't completely connect. I really doubt if I could explain why. I can say that "cooking junk" feels out of place and "junk" too vague. I would like more very specific imagery, like a "lysol bottle" or something. I like your very specific images best. I think this poem could use one or two but it isn't really easy to give you recommendations. I hope this helps anyway.
Actually, I have just come back to this much later and find it is working right now. Strange. Junk is working too. Perhaps it is a mood or time of day thing. I still like your very specific images best though. I think that maybe I don't like "I am a disease" at the very beginning. I think I skipped over that slightly on this later read. I might like "I am the killer, killing". I don't really have any idea. I think this is more of a guess than anything.
Regards,
Skylor
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Being deep and appearing deep.--- Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water. -Nietzsche
Last edited by Harry Haller : 11-29-2005 at 05:52 AM.
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girl
