Firestorm - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 11-28-2005, 09:18 AM

The glowing embers smiled ominously,
fanned by winds created from their own heat
and fed by the dry chaparral.

All night long they played tag-your-it
with the firefighters, advancing and retreating
like a well organized army.

Leaving in their wake the scorched remains
of the vanquished; the once green and scenic
hills that were the panoramic backdrop
to hundreds of homes below.

Afterward, while strolling through
the charred hillside, I heard on the news,
“All structures were saved, with no
loss of life.” I kicked at a black,
crisp chipmunk and continued on.

mammamaia · 11-28-2005, 10:17 AM

another sad bit of truth, wayne, which you're so good at making clear... if i may, some goofs needing fixing, and a suggestion or two:

Quote:

The glowing embers smiled ominously,
fanned by winds created from its’ own heat[1. only its or it's...there's no its' ... 2. 'embers' would be 'their' not 'its']
and fed by the dry chaparral.

All night long they played tag-your-it
with the firefighters, advancing and retreating
like a well-organized army.

Leaving in its’ wake the scorched remains [ditto 1. above]
of its’ vanquished, the once green and scenic[1.ditto the ditto...2. 'its vanquished' what?]
hills that were the panoramic backdrop
to hundreds of families below.['backdrop to families'... is odd... did you mean 'homes'?... the families don't stand there, to have a backdrop behind them]

Afterward, while I strolled through
the charred hillside, the news reported[doesn't 'while' require 'was reporting'?... and can 'news' actually 'report'?... 'newscaster' might be better]
“All structures were saved, with no
loss of life.” I kicked at a black,
crisp chipmunk and continued on.['on my way'?]

...i like the cynical end twist, though it makes me sad and a bit cross with you for kicking the poor thing!

... hope this is some help, in polishing the piece... love and hugs, maia

Psycho6058 · 11-28-2005, 11:14 AM

Thanks for the tips, Maia, by the way, I didn't say I kicked the poor chipmunk I only said I kicked "at" him. like you would push something with your foot that you weren't sure what it was to move it a little and get a better look.
Newscaster sounds too long to me, and I think it's implied anyway when you say you heard something on the news.

mammamaia · 11-28-2005, 11:31 AM

i agree about 'hearing' something on the news, but when you use the word 'reported' it has to be from a person, as 'news' can't report itself, right?

i'm glad you didn't mean to say you kick a poor crispy critter, but to me, 'kicked at' is the same as 'kicked it'... i won't fight ya on it, though... hugs, m

TMMC · 11-28-2005, 01:42 PM

This poem lacked the usual ironic and sarcastic tone that I have come to love from your stuff. I like it of course, hell...it's one of yours...but it is missing what I love most from what I've read of your work on here (about 20 or 30 poems is all). So, I'd give it 3 of 5 stars for my tastes, but still very well done.

Psycho6058 · 11-29-2005, 10:44 AM

Your right Maia, good point--how's this? TMMC Thanks for your comment.

mammamaia · 11-29-2005, 10:51 AM

the news thing works better now... but semi-colon should just be a comma...

slayerofangels · 11-29-2005, 10:57 AM

I like it, though my favourite part has to be where you kick at the chipmunk. I've always hated those little.....

Jimbob · 11-29-2005, 11:42 AM

Hi Psycho,
I enjoyed this, especially the ending with N kicking at the crisp chipmunk.
There's some gramatical and punctuation stuff, which Maia has already pointed out, but other than that, it's very good.

Jimbob

Psycho6058 · 11-30-2005, 09:15 AM

Thank you Slayer and Jimbob, I think I got the edits finished.