Another stab at Poetry - Writers Forum

Selorian · 11-27-2005, 05:59 PM

First of all, sorry--I'm venturing somewhere that I shouldn't be for the benefit of all readers. I apologize in advance for any pain inflicted, and if it brings a laugh, then that is what I meant to do.

Now I'll say; My wife inspires this story writer to try his hand at poetry from time to time. This is one of them. I wrote this after reading a quote on a website. Your opinions are appreciated and I would be grateful for any help to help me improve my next to non-existant poetry skills.

Walk in front of me
and I shall follow.
Placing trust in you
where ever we go.

Walk behind me
and I shall lead.
Forever guiding;
filling every need.

Walk beside me
and we are one.
Our two unique souls
in a perfect union.

Rico · 11-27-2005, 06:17 PM

Hello there, Selorian.

Now, first off, one of my hugest pet peeves regarding poetry. And that is the capitalization of the first letter in each line. Also, the lack of punctuation. Combined, they make it very difficult to find the rhythm.

For example, this is how I would rewrite the first verse.

Walk in front of me
and I shall follow.
Placing trust in you
where ever we go.

Again, that's just my opinion as an amateur poet with not necessarily any more skill with poetry than you.

Second, I really like the layout of this piece; 'walk in front of me'/'walk behind me'/'walk beside me'. It also has a very clear conclusion, which is nice for me, as I'm writing this out at 2 a.m. It is structured well, and I couldn't recommend any word choice changes.

All in all, I enjoyed this poem. I can relate to it, and the love in it is clear. Good work.

Rico

(p.s. I don't think you're that bad of a poet)

Selorian · 11-27-2005, 07:20 PM

Quote:

(p.s. I don't think you're that bad of a poet)

And you're crazier than I thought.

Or you're my new favorite person.

For real now, thank you very much. I appreciate the feedback and have made the changes to capitalization and punctuation you suggested. They do make it read a lot better.

Ijust may try my hand at it again sometime soon. All I have to do is look at val and the need arises to visit that little hidden part of me that wishes to be a poet.

Again, thank you for the feedback.

**Penelope** · 11-30-2005, 10:10 AM

as requested - as far as poetry goes and without addressing the technical aspects, this would be very welcomed by a loved one - in regards to general viewing/reading - it's less appealing because it lacks finesse (for lack of a better word).

slayerofangels · 11-30-2005, 10:50 AM

This flows well and has a clear conclusion, but the final stanza is what stood out for me.

Thanks for sharing!
Slayer

(Don't give up on poetry)