Wish

Everyday he wakes up at 7
after all he needs to feed Baby Kevin
Dress up don't forget the smile
its important after all don't you want that job
Wake up cuz nothing comes cheap
leave your beeper you need your sleep
He's living a lie, the glint in his eye tells
me he's ready to die and I dont want to
sleep I dont want to eat I just want to
curl up and cry
Cause Baby Kevin needs his toys and Baby Kevinis our world but...

He wakes up at 7 to see he's still alive his nightmares never
leave his side how can it be so simple
but without a job he wont be bringing home the bacon

So...Mommy cry Daddy's ready to die
Cuz this worlds not simple after all and all
this work but nothings changed Daddy's
not good enough for simple plans he can work all he
wants but his nightmares they haunt

Wake up cuz nothing comes cheap
leave your beeper you need your sleep
He's living a lie, the glint in his eye tells
me that he's ready to die and I don't want to
sleep I don't want to eat I just want to
curl up and cry.

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ramatheson

wow...
i can't even comment on this one, great...
very close to home. thanks.

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ramatheson

oh and i would drop the last half of the title...i think "He's Living a Lie..." is stronger.

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Rico

This strikes me as more of a song than a poem, but it is good nonetheless.

Jimbob

This one is pretty much all over the place. for one thing, it needs a consistent voice. it starts out as third-person narration, but then it goes to second person giving advice on line 5. Then "I" comes in with first person on line 8 and then i get lost as to who's speaking, who's being talked about it and who's being addressed. I'm not quite sure if the protagonist is talking to himself or if this is a wife or partner speaking. If it is another person, you might have the protagonist speak to, touch, or somehow interact with that other person just to establish that there are two.

Also, I see the frustration and despair, and that it has to do with employment, but I have no idea whether he's looking for work, hates the job he has, or if he's mistreated by the boss and/or coworkers.


Jimbob

blankslatejoe

i agree with jimbob, there's a lot of powerful imagery in this poem, but it's very inconsistent and all over the place. It also feels very overstated... which can be murder to a good poem.

Some of the word choices and rhythming is forced and/or cliched, which drags away from the poems refinement a little also

overall though, good stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Wish

Thanks for your reviews I keep in mind your advice for my next post { which Im now fixing up}. I think im going to leave this for fear of messing it up even worse. I cant wait 'til I get around to read some of your posts.

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