teflon

I also thought of my wife's ice skating videos.
I felt like this when we lived in a top-floor apartment with huge arch windows with a sea view.

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Rico

Too tired to dance, jen. I am probably just awake enough to sit here and adore you, if that will satisfy?

strangedaze

not bad, kid, not bad. you capture the moment well. i'd like to say, 'i like your hair but your writing sucks dick,' but unfortunately it doesn't apply to this situation. and your hair's just fine.

luv droo

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ms. vodka

oooooooooh... a bunch of cute boys... my favorite.

tef: yep, you were the one with the ice-skating wife that i was thinking of... kiss that beautiful woman for me.

rico: you obviously know me very well... as you wish, my love.

drooooooo: laughing. alright, darling... whatever you say. thanks for coming over to read.

very much love all,
jenka

Starik

Ms. Vodka,
Played "Hair".
Didn't work for us.
PM'd you.

ramatheson

did i mention this is a great poem?

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Harry Haller

Ms V,

I might break the line at upon/where I lay depending on the arrangement of the end.

I lay, paralyzed with adoration.

I don't think that the last line is strong enough. I would like paralyzed and surrendered better. I'm not saying it is the greatest but I would definitely change adoration. I think the last line needs to be stronger. I don't have a perfect solution for it though. I was thinking of using something with the same sound as "fear" to give recognition and contradiction to what is the most obvious arrangement with paralyzed. There are lots of options but adoration feels a little weak and repetitive of the rest of the poem. You have already showed us the adoration and now you are telling us at the end. It takes away impact for me. I hope this helps.
Regards,
Skylor

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ms. vodka

starik: i very much enjoyed the pm.

mr. matheson: sniffle, pout... i think maybe... once.

harry haller: thanks, as always, for your insightful critique. much appreciated.

vodka

teflon

To summarize this poem - it is about me, in that picture after the shower, the laptop, the pastel-green bathrobe, and the knocked-up wife learning to photograph.

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