What You Said - Writers Forum

slayerofangels · 11-22-2005, 08:37 AM

My heart went dead
with what you said,
I was paralysed inside.

I tried to shout,
you shut me out,
a tear fell from my eye.

And I stood dead,
pierced inside
by what you said.

acidic_kiss · 11-23-2005, 06:56 AM

Last stanza was a bit off the beat, but i'm guessing that was intentional. This is a sad piece, and as often happens in your works, a lot of emotion was captured into a few lines. I'm intrigued as to who said what words to you to make you write this...

Pawn · 11-23-2005, 08:22 AM

Frankly, I find it difficult to understand how you can write a serious piece and rhyme 'dead/said' & 'shout/out'. You're shooting yourself in the leg, as I believe the expression goes. Rhyming is an extremely difficult thing to convincingly pull off; for me this piece exemplifies a misjudgement thereof.

Starik · 11-23-2005, 01:06 PM

Pawn,

Excuse me, sir. Are you saying "dead/said" and "shout/out" do not have similar ending sounds? I doubt that. Surely I am once again bereft of required dogma!

Poor researcher that I am, I find most definitions of "rhyme" (also "rime") indicate the sounds must be "similar" or "identical" to qualify as rhyming. "Dead" and "said" sound rather close to my somewhat age-deafened ears. Therefore, I am forced (kicking and screaming) to assume there is more to a rhyme than mere sound.

In your own words (rather than referencing a few hundred pages of dry esoterica), please explain the details of this exemplification of misjudgment. Perhaps, by sharing your personal omniscience and your guidance as moderator, you may help us mere students to avoid such wounds to our lower appendages and simultaneously raise the bar of the Poetry Forum with a single explanation which, at the moment, is beyond my ken.

Pawn · 11-23-2005, 07:55 PM

The sarcasm is quite unnecessary.

My point was obviously not that the words did not rhyme, but rather that the rhyme is both too banal and too obvious to warrant inclusion.

Starik · 11-23-2005, 11:20 PM

Pawn,
Thank you for your restraint and unearned courtesy. I did misunderstand your obvious point.

slayerofangels · 11-24-2005, 04:15 AM

Thanks for posting again pawn, I didn't really like this one too much but again, first attempt at a new style. Glad you read it though.

Shinyui · 11-24-2005, 08:37 PM

I disagree Slayer. I loved this poem.
Acidic's right, in my opinion, you've managed to convey so much emotion into such few lines. Amazing

I HATE YOU :p (Just joking. I've been trying to write something like this for ages, and it just won't come. Going to read a few more of your poems though, and we'll see what that does for my poetic genius

)
*yeah right -_-'*
Keep up the great work
Shin

slayerofangels · 11-25-2005, 05:14 AM

Thanks for reading Shin! I appreciate the compliments but still, I can't say I'm too fond of this piece.

dannyboy · 11-25-2005, 06:09 AM

slayer must agree with pawn, as often happens when we experiment we take a few steps back so we must go forward. Keep experimenting, it just adds more colours for you to choose for that blank canvas.