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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 11-20-2005, 08:45 AM   #1
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Us Children

That we are children, frolic free.
We pray to God on bended knee.
Under covers soft and warm,
We wait for Sandman’s sands to swarm.
Getting bigger every day
From love that mothers give away.
Our daddies, time we spend with them –
They make us laugh time and again.
Another birthday cake to eat.
New pairs of shoes for growing feet.
First days of school when mom’s not near,
We ride the bus with Mister Fear.
Those pictures on the fridge, we drew
Of mommy, me, and daddy, too.
On Sundays out for cream of ice
With hot fudge topping – oh so nice!
Our dog’s named Roofus, cat’s named Purr;
Such cuddly little balls of fur.
All these things we hold so dear
Tied in our beating hearts of cheer.
But then the Monster comes to own
Our little bodies barely grown.
It wracks us greatly full of pain
And makes our muscle strength to drain.
What is this thing inside that fills
Our lives, and steals our lifely wills?
A man named Doctor searches us
And keeps us from the school ride bus.
With nothing left but lay and think,
And medicine they make us drink.
Now our hair, all it is lost.
What a sad, depressing cost.
But if it makes the Monster die,
Then so be it, we will not cry.
But still our muscles grow so weak.
Our personalities so meek.
Our wish – to just be strong again.
Have we not paid for all our sin?
But deeper still the Monster bites.
What have we done? This is not right!
But Doctor cannot save us now,
We heard sweet mommy weep just now.
We guess we must accept our death
Until our last and lung-filled breath.
So goodbye leaves, and goodbye snow.
Goodbye sweet summer when we’d go
To lakes and beaches full of sand
While holding mom and daddy’s hand.
Goodbye to Spring and Easter eggs
That we would hunt on solid legs.
Goodbye to everything we’ve known –
Our friends, our pets, our very own
Words that we always meant to say
But did not, could not anyway.
The Monster swallows us to night
As mom and dad’s hands we hold tight.
But, wow, the pain is over now.
As Jesus says Hi with a bow
And takes us in his arms so sound
And kisses us round and around.
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Old 11-20-2005, 09:48 AM   #2
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Very touching and deeply moving piece. I think it would be easier to read if it were not all double spaced, maybe break it into quatrains.
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Old 11-20-2005, 09:55 AM   #3
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That was a very unique narrative. It had a strong point, but I think it needs a lot of work before it is truly good. Suggestions: Don't double space; it makes it harder to read. Don't capitalize every line; it will read much better without that. You have a lot of sentence fragments, and it would be a lot better if you cleaned those up. Also there were some very forced rhymes:
Quote:
On Sundays out for cream of ice

Cream of ice?
Quote:
And makes our muscle strength to drain.

That's really awkward.
Quote:
And keeps us from the school ride bus.

And that.

I think this piece has a lot of potential if you give it a lot of work.

Achilles

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Old 11-20-2005, 09:56 AM   #4
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P.S. The title should be "We Children" to be grammatically correct.

Achilles
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Old 11-21-2005, 08:37 AM   #5
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This piece was not intended to be double spaced. I copied it over from my manuscript and it just turned out that way. I completely agree that it is truly annoying.
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