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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-20-2005, 03:25 AM
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#1
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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The Seamstress
Roses, scattered by the yard:
clear cut, gathered up,
and stitched into a dress.
All the while dreaming
of his hand’s caress,
slipped under apparel,
sliding along sun-shy skin,
to begin taking liberties,
in the privacy of interface.
A pin pricks the flesh:
the seamless reverie
is shattered by a moue
and rueful smile
at the puckering thread.
Steam pressing wrinkles
while ironing out plans
to bring to fruition
his keen contemplation
of cotton gardens.
PFA
20/11/05
Author's Note:
The other title I thought of was - The Seamstress - I think this one is the better choice. Any differing opinions?
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11-20-2005, 08:12 AM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
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Wonderful. What is it with you and love poetry all the sudden? 
This works very well. The images are clear and meaning is powerful. For a title, though, I prefer The Seamstress.
Achilles
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When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
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11-20-2005, 09:22 AM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 630
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Yeah, beautifully written. I love the words you have used; they are very flowery in my opinion but it works. I loved the beginning alot and the ending was a nice closure. Nice work.
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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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11-20-2005, 09:42 AM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
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Very smooth read. "while ironing out plans
to bring to fruition" These are my favorite two lines, good image.
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All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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11-20-2005, 08:46 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 318
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Yes,but it works. I agree.
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I am Bluewhite.
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11-20-2005, 09:41 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 147
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That was beautiful. I prefer "The Seamstress" too, Autumn Leaves sounds just the tiniest bit cliche for a poem.
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There's a club where you want to go, you could meet someone...who really loves you.
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11-20-2005, 09:42 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
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Came by again for a reread. Truly, I love this piece.
If there was a jealous smiley I'd use it.
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
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11-20-2005, 11:52 PM
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#8
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Thanks very much everyone. I changed the title back to my original choice and appreciate the feedback. 'Love' poetry has to be one of the most difficult type for me to write. What's too much, what's not enough and what's just right. With this poem, I used a lot of sewing terms to link up with being engrossed with 'romantic' thoughts while performing stereotypically mundane/demure chores.
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11-21-2005, 12:11 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 318
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Yes,seems the later title is better.
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11-21-2005, 08:35 AM
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#10
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
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Thank you bluewhite. I had thought perhaps 'The Seamstress' didn't connect well enough with the nature of the poem.
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