Harry Haller

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Being deep and appearing deep.--- Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water. -Nietzsche

Sigg

I'll be honest, I didn't like this one as much as some of your other stuff. Some of the phrases just didn't sound right to me.

Although I did get that whole war feeling that you write about a lot, by the second half.

" Black shoes on bleached earth"
friggin awesome line man.

" Not ‘ring around the rosy’, but surely a plague"

I liked the allusion to the Bubonic plague...as much as anyone can like an allusion to it i guess haha.

I got that whole war scene feeling, with the burned bodies of men, women and children. Particularly all the references to the skeletons and bones.

Nice job man.

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Drivin' in my Cadillac Rock Box

Harry Haller

Thanks for the response Sigg,
I was going for war/plague metaphor. In the poem there are supposed to be children dancing in a circle. One little girl that is noticed in particular. She is a green grass, contradicting the death of the desert. Then she dies as well etc etc. Yes, there are bodies burning in the streets. The final point of this is supposed to be that the sickness still haunts the man's dreams. I know that it needs work. This is also a very serious poem compared to some of my recent endeavours. I rushed some parts of this and plan on continuing work on it. I think I have put too many bone references etc, probably more out of a frustration in trying to find other words.

I appreciate you being honest. I prefer it that way. It wouldn't be helpful if it wasn't.
Regards,
Skylor

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Being deep and appearing deep.--- Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water. -Nietzsche

Penelope

hmmm .. I found this poem to be a bit word heavy. Almost like it was going to topple over with the weight of the adjectives. I've done something similar in an autumn poem I've written and I keep hauling it out to look at it.

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"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Starik

Skylor,
I can't critique work like this--too little experience and understanding on my part. However, I can pick a little nit in line two: it's lines s/b its lines.

(And that, sir, is a very little nit, indeed! LOL!)