Severity - Writers Forum

11-13-2005, 03:49 PM

Fierce and furious,
these are but words.
Letters combined,
performing for eyes
blind to beauty,
closed to severity
of thoughts intense
as burning hair.
A knockoff of life,
passing us by.
Dying without ever
being alive.

Harry Haller · 11-13-2005, 05:46 PM

Ms V,
I feel the same way about words sometimes. Perhaps most of the time. Just last night I wrote how strange it is that language is one of the least important things in understanding other people. I want to do an encompassing poem about words and my thoughts on them. I have quite a few ideas that I have written and plan on incorporating. I am just waiting for that one big idea, if you know what I mean. The one that makes the poem need to be written.

As far as this poem,
I like the burning hair. I hate that smell. I also like the metaphor since hair is never really alive. I think you should focus on the metaphor though. I was thinking burning fuses and such, lines in black and white, ghosts etc. I don't know. I just think the poem could benefit from more imagery. I don't even know what color the burning hair is, the word "curls" might also be something to use when describing the hair as it burns. In general I think the poem needs more. It is well put together but there doesn't seem to be enough there. I certainly think it is worth expanding on though. I think the problem is probably that these word poems are more about our frustration than anything. That is really why I am still waiting. I may be wrong in this case, as I often am with you. I think that is at least part of it though.
Regards,
Skylor

eleda · 11-13-2005, 06:24 PM

Well, IMHO, burning hair is damn intense, as I've accidentally had that happen once. Ms.Vodka, hi, I'm kinda new, and I must say, I really enjoyed your piece. I know nothing about editing poems, but I do know that words well written can sing without music, and that's what I felt from reading your textual matter.

I especially like the last verse.

murdershewrote2005 · 11-13-2005, 10:20 PM

As always....I love it....never expect much less when I read your writing....sighs....wish I could write like you...its a goal of mine...lol...hugs...

Jess

103_smalls · 11-13-2005, 10:22 PM

I love you Jen.

Best wishes with everything.

(and good poem too)
(Leah says she likes it too)

Rico · 11-14-2005, 03:10 AM

I really enjoyed this Jen.

Thought I'd stop by and tell you.

11-14-2005, 11:28 AM

skylor: thanks as always for the excellent critique and suggestions.

eleda: very nice to meet you and welcome to the forums. thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece. i appreciate it.

jess: thanks for the compliment, and i think you can, you just think you can't.

smalls: i love you too. thank you for reading and kiss that girl of yours for me... maybe some day she'll start writing?

rico: thank you very much. hope you are well.

love all,
vodka

silverwriter · 11-14-2005, 02:11 PM

Always a pleasure Ms. V to read your work. I like this piece especially because it has an intensity to it, but it is not a driving intensity. The poem lets the reader linger on the words, like tasting a fine wine and letting it roll around your mouth.

(...Did I just say that?)

*grin* Very well done Ms. V. Looking forward to your next pieces.

*hugs*

Jaime

PS. Favorite line -
Dying without ever
being alive.

11-14-2005, 08:49 PM

Jaime: you just made me chuckle, which is not an easy feat today. thank you for reading and commenting. i truly appreciate it.

much love,
jen

slayerofangels · 11-15-2005, 04:19 AM

I can't fathom how apt it seems(or is it ironic?) that a poet finds words insufficient to express thoughts? Great work.

Slayer

acidic_kiss · 11-15-2005, 05:12 AM

Hi Ms. V.
This is a fantastic piece; I love the ending, and the metaphor of "burning hair".

Dying without ever
being alive.

This was my favourite line, because although not physcially alive, words can be the most powerful thing in existance. Really great poem; it's a pleasure to read your work.

Acid

11-15-2005, 12:27 PM

slayer: thank you. ever think it would be easier to be a painter than a poet? sometimes i do.

acid: thank you very much. that's a flattering compliment. i've been enjoying reading your work also.

much love,
vodka

silverwriter · 11-15-2005, 01:42 PM

*makes note to compare Jen's poems to wine*

Stopped by for another read.

*hugs*

Jaime