Mike M

His sleep had been deep and restful.
He awoke in the still, dark night.
All traces of fever had left him
And soon it would be light.

He felt warm and drowsy and happy,
Glad to be free of the pain
Which had wracked his head and back and neck
In whatever position he’d lain.

Someone had changed his night shirt,
This one was clean and dry.
Not wringing wet with the clammy sweat
That had soaked him in nights gone by.

His pillow was soft and silky,
Smooth, with a trim of lace
Which he felt when he moved his head around
And its tracery caught his face.

“Time to get up,” he drowsily thought
And he yawned as he always did
And in stretching his arms to remove his sheet
His hands touched the coffin’s lid.

Penelope

Some lovely language here. Good story telling skills too. A few too many filler words which detract from the tale for me though. I feel the end line could be punched up a bit too. All in all I enjoyed the read.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

ms. vodka

hey mike!

i second all of pen's critique.

also, i would suggest bringing this more into the present. it will give it more kick.

for example, instead of saying:

His sleep had been deep and restful.
He awoke in the still, dark night.
All traces of fever had left him
And soon it would be light.

Although his sleep was deep and restful,
he awoke in the still, dark night.
All traces of fever vanished,
soon it would be light.

I'm fully aware that completely mutilates the rhythm, but i think you might understand what i'm saying. cutting words that aren't needed is exceptionally important.

you are coming along quite nicely, however. is this for LM by the way?

Jen

Mike M

Thank you very much for, as always, a clear and courteous critique.
How about...
From a sleep both deep and restful,
he awoke in the still, dark night
all traces of fever banished
he longed for the coming light.

Penelope, maybe the last line could be...

His nails scraped the coffin's lid.

Any better?
I'm not sure who LM is.

Many thank for your help. It's worth making a mess of things to be taught so charmingly.
Mike
'

tanmay

Hey Mike,

Wonderful poem! Enjoyed it thoroughly.

The present last line of your poem is much better than the one you suggested to Penelope. But why have you started every line with a capital letter?

Regards,
Tanmay.

Psycho6058

I loved it Mike, like a modern day E.A.Poe

__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke

Mike M

Thanks tanmay and Psycho for your (as always) kind comments.
tanmay, I promise, no more capital letters.Achha?