Three Things God Can Not Do - Writers Forum

findamiracle · 11-01-2005, 04:45 AM

Father never could understand me
Far more different two couldn’t be
Then came the day I proved him wrong
When I told him what I had known all along

Tell me three things God can not do
This is all I ask of you
Father looked at me in horror
What would you ask something like that for?

Can you not do what I ask
For it is just a simple task
You terrible child how dare you suggest
God would have faults if put to the test

Lie, I say with a smile on my face
A slap I thought I would taste
I never lie you naughty boy
What is with your smile and act so coy

No Father, you don’t understand
I would not say you were that type of man
It is God I was talking about
But let me explain before you shout

Of the three I mentioned before’
Lying is one, but there are two more
Father had to agree
On that I will have to concede

But no other items you will find
That He can’t do, son of mine
You are wrong, ole Father I love
Something that can’t happen to the Lord above

That is two, you’ve got me on lad
I have to concur you’re not so bad
You have given two, I didn’t think you could
But I still doubt you can find a third

Once again the answer is clear
For in this little game you lose I fear
In our contest you have been beaten
It is a lot of crow you will have eaten

For the last item upon my list
Is this very word I must insist
You will learn today what can not happen
But the devil has not yet learned this lesson

One day soon it will be apparent
What I’ve done to my parent
While I’ve managed it quite well with you today
There is something the Devil will never say

A trait God does not share with men
Is the ability to be beaten
The only things God is incapable of
Are ones that prove His love

Stewart · 11-01-2005, 06:28 AM

This isn't a poem and if it is, by merit of appearing in ill-formed stanzas, then I think it's terrible. It's just a series of lines which sometimes rhyme full of terrible couplets which don't match in terms of metre. There's no sense of rhythm at all and there are times when the tense changes between past and present.

Some of the lines seem rhymed with any old word and I encourage you to go back to the drawing board with this one. Actually think about what it is you are wanting to say, plan the poem, and write it. At the moment it feels like you've just went with a line, added another, picking up random rhymes along the way to fit your purpose, until you reach the end.

The following quotes are three, in my opinion, of the dodgiest couplets in the sequence.

Quote:

Lie, I say with a smile on my face
A slap I thought I would taste

Quote:

In our contest you have been beaten
It is a lot of crow you will have eaten

Quote:

It is God I was talking about
Buy let me explain before you shout

Can I guess that your source was something like this?

findamiracle · 11-01-2005, 06:50 AM

Stewart · 11-01-2005, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by findamiracle

Ouch

Come on, you must have a better response than that.

Do you think I was unnecessarily harsh? Does it make you look at the poem again and realise how silly things read? etc?

findamiracle · 11-01-2005, 07:03 AM

You are one of the ones that like to get a response, right

Okay, let me explain a bit. When I write, I write for me. I posted this just for the fun of it. Not for arguments sake. I like it the way it is. I hope others do too, but if they don't then it's not a problem. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, no matter what it is. This poem was not supposed to be a "great work" but just a bit of fun. I did go back and look at one of the poems you wrote and understand that you take poetry seriously (it really was a nice poem, very well written), but poetry to me is, like I said, a bit of fun. If you want to offend me try critiquing my short story (Inside), or less likely to take offense, my fiction novel (Would He Cry)J Those I would like people to give honest (but not mean) criticism to help make them better.

Thanks for your time,

Stewart · 11-01-2005, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by findamiracle

You are one of the ones that like to get a response, right

Of course, it works both ways. How do I know if my critique is helpful or not if the author doesn't respond? I could continue to make the same errors, whether it be insulting the author/poet or unleashing a sickening wave of sycophancy, if the authors don't respond to tell me how they found my critique.

Quote:

When I write, I write for me.

I should hope so. But, may I ask, what fun do you get out of something if it feels incomplete?

Quote:

I did go back and look at one of the poems you wrote and understand that you take poetry seriously (it really was a nice poem, very well written), but poetry to me is, like I said, a bit of fun.

Thanks.

Something similar happens, also, when I discuss books. I enjoy contemporary literature such as Kazuo Ishiguro, Umberto Eco, and will quite happily not read Dan Brown or JK Rowling or Stephen King because I find their prose terrible and, in the case of King, have grown out of him. So, when I state that Brown, for example, is a poor writer there are those that stand up and defend him by saying that they only read books for fun or for entertainment. These people usually hit out with accusations of book snobbery or elitism although they don't realise that I only read Ishiguro, Eco, Calvino, etc. for fun just as much as they read Brown or King. The cry of elitism is their defence, which is their own little insecurity, and I'm happy to leave them to it.

In much the same way as you saying that you only write poetry for fun I want you to know that I, also, only write poetry for fun. I don't see the point in churning out seemingly unfinished pieces because I haven't invested much time in my hobby. A hobbyist painter, for example, doesn't just throw some paint on a canvas because painting is fun to them. No, they continue to exercise that fun, work on light, shadow, colour, brush strokes, and learn to improve their art. Ultimately, the more understanding you have of your hobby, whether it be prose, poetry, painting, piano, etc. then the more fun you will have with it.

Quote:

If you want to offend me try critiquing my short story Inside, or less likely to take offense, my fiction novel Would He Cry.

I don't want to offend you. I just found this poem wanting in so many ways that I honestly couldn't find a good thing to say about it. If there's no chance you'll consider editing, revising, or improving then I question your reasons for posting it to a critique forum when, based on your own words, you write for yourself.

I will look out for your prose.

findamiracle · 11-01-2005, 07:50 AM

Ahhh, but because it feels incomplete to you does not means it does to me. Everyone performs different tasks in different ways. While you might enjoy perfecting every poem you write, others don't have to in order to enjoy the writing process. Maybe for them the enjoyment of the process stops at the first or second draft, while you may enjoy completing twenty or thirty. If we all liked, or enjoyed, the same things in life, this would be a very boring world. I might point out though that the area that I posted this item in was the simple poetry one, not the one that asks for critiquing. That one is up a few on the forum home page. Not that I mind, but no, I'm not going to change something l like simply because someone else doesn't. Thank you for trying though

Stewart · 11-01-2005, 08:02 AM

Fair enough. Enjoy what you must.

Quote:

Originally Posted by findamiracle

I might point out though that the area that I posted this item in was the simple poetry one, not the one that asks for critiquing.

I might also point out the following extract from the Poetry Forum guidelines presented in the sticky atop this forum:

Quote:

Please do not ask for reviews in your subject lines. It is given that you want feedback. Standard practise is to use the title of the poem as the post subject. Avoid titling your poems 'Untitled', as this becomes tedious and confusing.

doctor · 11-01-2005, 09:39 AM

It's just a series of lines which sometimes rhyme full of terrible couplets which don't match in terms of metre. There's no sense of rhythm

Personally, one of my favourite things about poetry is that rhyme, metre, and rhythm are not required components. Plenty of amazing poetry has been written without any of these requisites.

Stewart · 11-01-2005, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doctor

Personally, one of my favourite things about poetry is that rhyme, metre, and rhythm are not required components. Plenty of amazing poetry has been written without any of these requisites.

Indeed, but I'm talking about a poem where the poet has tried to rhyme.

findamiracle · 11-02-2005, 04:34 AM

I finally figured it out!

You give very little of yourself, run around the site putting up abusive “critiques” with the rarely given praise thrown in for good measureJ

Hi, SIMON!

Stewart · 11-02-2005, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by findamiracle

I finally figured it out!

You give very little of yourself, run around the site putting up abusive “critiques” with the rarely given praise thrown in for good measure.

I take it you are addressing me.

First of all, what does it matter what I give of myself? I come here, I offer my opinions on writing, on others' work, and I review the books I've read. I'm not here to make friends or tell you what I had for my lunch; I'm here to help others with their writing by telling them, when they put their work up for comment, what works for me and what doesn't

If you think my critiques are abusive then say so, but say why, otherwise I can't improve my critical skills.

If all that you want is Grade A sycophancy then you know nothing of critique. Sometimes, just sometimes, there comes along a piece that just doesn't do it for me; it may be theme, content, execution, but I'm certainly not going to butter it up for the author's ego because they don't want their heart broken. Praise it and they'll continue to produce stuff at the same level; criticise it, when criticism is due, lets them understand why it didn't work for their reader and learn from it.

Yes, I rarely give praise, but when something works for me then I do praise it. When I get bad press for my work I don't bitch and moan about it and feel hard done by; I work out why the readers thought it was bad and work on it. I'm not interested in producing a half-baked product like you obviously are and, let's not forget, we're both in it for the fun.