Shinyui

By heavy head
Through relentless sin
The rage swells up from deep within
In times of crisis, tired and bare
Naked with insult, but willing to care
Standing in hallways which seem to have no end
And going completely crazy, Just to make amend
And yet we blame others, for what is not so
Not willing to hold on, Not willing to go
And in times of darkness, when no one is near
And the conjured minions exist to strike fear
There will always be one person
That special one who you know
Who would willingly sacrifice, and willingly go
The lengths seem inhuman, and yet still they would
Even if not humanly possible, this person believe's she could
The special one, exists for all
And in your weakness, does stand tall
Not realising what they've done
But helping immensly, shining light bright like sun
Where you are, when this person comes to light
Is a place so dark, words unknown, such as bright
But as if acting like torch, Shine light on this place
And send your heart racing through depths into space
Only in darkness can you know if it's true
And only then will you know if she really loves you
I know. . . . .

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Those who claim to be unique - Are clearly less so than they think

Rico

First off, I find it annoying when the first letter of each line is capitalized; that's an MS Word feature that can (and should, in my opinion) be turned off for poets. Second, you have strangely capitalized some words after commas, such as Just, Not, and Shine. I don't honestly see the point of you doing that. Third, while I have nothing against rhyming poetry and am somewhat in awe of those who can do it well, you can't just pick and choose which bits you want to rhyme and not rhyme the rest. There has to be a coherent scheme to it; you're either rhyming or you're not. I get the feeling that you had to compromise the poem in order to make the lines rhyme, and that is something that should be avoided. It also tends to make the rhymes look trite and cliched.

I have no idea what you're trying to tell me in this poem. "By heavy head/through relentless sin...naked with insult, but willing to care" means little to nothing to me. It's as if you're trying very hard to sound poetic, and what you end up with is nonsense.

After reading this poem several times, I got the impression that it was finding the person that you truly love. Love poems are fine, but the rest of this poem fails to do anything for me.

I hope this can be of some help, and that you don't take this the wrong way.

Rico

Shinyui

Dear Rico, Thank-you for your constructive criticism. I appreciate you taking the time out to comment on my poem, and realise that some of the lines don't rhyme accordingly. You're absolutely right, this poem is about finding love and true love, and if I were to go back and edit it, I would most likely make many of the changes that you suggested.
Some time in the near future, I may very well do this
Regards, Shinyui

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Those who claim to be unique - Are clearly less so than they think

slayerofangels

I like the imagery and the feelings represented but I still had trouble reading it. Other than that, Great work.......*scrolls up*.....Shin.

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For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.

Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

acidic_kiss

Rico, although you are entitled to your own opinion, I disagree on a few of your points. The technical, capitalisation critism has good basis, but upon reading this poem, I saw very coherent passion - nonsense is definantly not a word I'd use to describe Shin's work. Shin, I enjoyed this piece, and hold it dear because of it's deeper meanings and implications... Thanks for another brilliant read and keep it up.

Acid (no hugs... don't want to come across as *hallmark*...)

And lol, glad to hear you scrolled up to avoid any more name errors, Slaver... *cough* I mean Slayer... (again... that was soo lame... I should really update my sense of humour. Meh...)

Acid

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Acid
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-Good at burning things-

Shinyui

Thanks everyone for your compliments, criticisms etc. I just posted a new poem, and I think it's quite good. Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, Just been having a mental blank and wanting my work to be really good. The new one's called Belief - A Poem
Anyway thank you for your input, and thanks for taking the time to read my work
*Hugz acidic* (forget hallmark, they're not priceless)

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Those who claim to be unique - Are clearly less so than they think