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Thread: The War Song

  1. 09-10-2005 02:51 PM #1
    BuriedALie
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    The War Song

    Just tell me what u think... i did this for some project and thought i would see what people thought about it.. I know its short but give me some feedback



    The War Song


    The cold metal shivers my fingers
    And I watch my lonesome enemy linger
    For a few more moments he shall live….
    Till the beast within shall release a blow
    That only my conscience will know
    Look! How they run with nowhere to go…

    He fires first with accuracy so poor
    I guess he has lost without a score
    For his life is now over
    His song now done
    But the war has yet just begun…
    The Awnser My Friend Is Blowin' In the Wind..
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  2. 09-10-2005 03:10 PM #2
    GhostingReality101
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    This is a very interesting work you have created. I would like to read more from you. Keep writing!
    Do or Do not, there is no try

    Yoda
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  3. 09-10-2005 05:19 PM #3
    Rico
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    A couple small comments.

    You seem to alternate between a rhyme scheme and no rhyme. You need to pick one or the other and stick with it. As I am not typically a fan of rhymed poetry, I would suggest, and I think it works better this way, to be unrhymed.

    Also, I think your word choice is too...it sounds like you're trying to hard to sound "poetic". I know that didn't really describe it very well, but your language just doesn't fit the subject matter.

    Anyway, I think you have a good base for a poem, and I'd be interested in seeing a revised version, if you choose to revise.



    Rico
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  4. 09-10-2005 07:57 PM #4
    Farror
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    The cold metal shivers my fingers
    Metal does not shiver fingers. Fingers shiver because of cold metal.

    Look! How they run with nowhere to go…
    Perhaps removing the exclamation point after "look" might help the rythm. It creates a significant pause.

    The second stanza needs a lot of editing, as it's riddled with cliché, but this is not a bad effort, especially for in-school work.
    - And in the darkness, when you find this, I'll be out of reach.
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