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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 08-27-2005, 08:06 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The corner of the world
Gender: Female
Posts: 177
Haruka
Beautiful Lies

Beautiful lies

“I hate you” I’d yell
“I hate him” I’d tell
Lying is truly an art
‘Cause it’s a lie to my heart

We both behave like kings
But I can only flap my broken wings
Broken by a broken heart
True in every part

“I wish I never see you again”
“Same fore me” you’d say then.
I’d turn my back and walk away
And hope to see you the next day

Yet I hope for you
Not have a lover chosen
I’ll hide my heart too
and still pretend it’s frozen

To your heart I cannot fly
It hurts so much to try
I’d forever drop a tear
Just to call you “Dear”

We’ll both sit high
And for now I will still lie
Beautifully even when I die
Or until you say “goodbye”

When my heart has finally flew
Then I’ll confess to you
And I hope you answer on cue
That “I love you too”

All comments welcome, thank you
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Old 08-27-2005, 08:40 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,549
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I got two main thoughts from this, but first, for me, the theme & content seem to be a poem struggling to get out or maybe to decide what kind of poem it wants to be.

First impression was you don't have english as your first language, then I wondered if maybe you were sacrificing good english for the sake of the rhyme. If so, you shouldn't; english is versatile enough you can find other ways to achieve what this deserves without compromising the quality of english used.

In the 1st 3 verses, the scheme (the pattern or rhythm) keeps changing. To me, in free verse, you can do that, but when a poet establishes a particular rhythmic pattern, you change it at your peril. People fall into the original pattern & expect it to continue. You can normally change away from it once, to emphasize or shift mood or similar, but to keep swapping to a different scheme simply loses your readers. (my thoughts only OK? I'm hardly a poetic expert)

Perhaps something like...

“I hate you” I’d yell
“I hate him” I’d tell
Lying is truly art
‘Cause it’s a lie
right to my heart

We both behave
like royal kings
I merely flap
my broken wings
Broken by a broken heart
True in every part
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*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln
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