103_smalls

This needs work... any suggestions?

"I Wish I Could Make You Happy"

I painted you a rainbow
up there in the sky
Just so we could use it
to climb way up high
and eat the candy clouds
while the birds chirp and ring
and sing us both a lulaby
so that we could sleep
and dream of a place called happiness
that only exists while we're asleep

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

bluemoon

Pat,
Over all not one of the better poems you've written.
It's okay but it just dosn't...flow right.
Some of the words just don't conect.
But I'm only one person.

Write more poems!

stephanie

To me the poem was really going somewhere. I think there should be more descriptions and emotions before the lines of the birds chirping to sing a lullaby. For me, the poem starts out good and just ends. There wasn't anything in the middle to really give me a feel for anything. I liked how it ended and how it began, but to me there was not a middle. I liked where it was going though. Good work.

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

dannyboy

needs to be pared down

painted rainbow
in the sky
use it
to climb high
eat candy clouds
while birds chirp
a lulaby
we dream
of happiness
that only exists
when asleep

this is rough as, but the idea to to cut away all unneccessary words then refind the flow.

hope this helps

Danny.

Harry Haller

lullaby, sorry it was bothering me.

I think it needs some flow. It feels choppy. The imagery is nice though. You just have to put it together with some rhythm.

103_smalls

Thanks for all the comments, guys... I think I'mma scrap this particular piece... I don't feel like working on it, 'cause I'm not in that particular mood that I was in when I wrote it, so every time I try it comes out worse.... and I'm also going to make a vow never to write another poem while the only thing keeping me awake is a Mountain Dew high that is quickly approaching the Crash-and-Burn stage

Thanks again, everybody!

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)