she came to me a butterfly. version 2 - Writers Forum

dannyboy · 08-26-2005, 07:17 PM

she came to me a butterfly

A soft flap of wings,
a few tangled words tossed in -
she came to me a butterfly.
A clap of hands,
a caress of antennae -
she came to me a butterfly
dressed in sequined black.

She came to me late at night
in a black taxi cab,
its occupied taxi light;
a fist
clenched at the dawn.

She came to me a butterfly
her wings,
like tears,
re-arrange features,
cause a stir.

She lay upon the bed,
one final fling granted;
a washtub fuck
to rinse out the heart.

She left behind
a powdery afterimage,
a taste of regret;
a scent that lingers
after winter’s rain.

for those interested version 1
http://www.writingforums.com/viewtop...763&highlight=

Rico · 08-26-2005, 10:47 PM

(I feel like I'm stalking you. I'm lately always the first critique on your poems)

first off, I like this version better than the first one. much more concise, and with better imagery.

Quote:

A soft flap of wings,
a few tangled words tossed in -
she came to me as a butterfly.
A clap of hands,
a caress of antennae -
she came to me as a butterfly
dressed in sequinned black.

the second line is just beautiful, rolls right off the tongue. in the last line, I thought sequinned only had one n...could be wrong. I love the picture in my mind.

Quote:

She came to me late at night
in a black taxi cab,
its occupied taxi light;
a clenched fist
at the approaching dawn.

shows to me a much starker picture, but a much more realistic one than the first stanza. like a dream that you suddenly wake up out of (I apologize if I make no sense, I'm very tired)

Quote:

She came to me as a butterfly
her wings, like tears,
re-arrange features, cause a stir.
She lay upon the bed,
one final fling granted,
a washtub fuck to rinse out the heart.

at first, I didn't like this stanza. I didn't like the butterfly juxtaposed with "a washtub fuck to rinse out the heart", but as I was reading it when I copied and pasted it on here, it seems to join the first and second stanzas together.

Quote:

She left behind
a powdery afterimage,
a taste of regret;
a scent that lingers
after winter’s rain.

such a wonderful sense of sadness, but acceptance nonetheless. a beautiful way to end the poem

leliathomas · 08-27-2005, 01:23 AM

This is absolutely gorgeous. It's got a beautiful mystery about it, which I love. There are only a few things I'd like to point out that I think could maybe use some changing.

Firstly, I question how concise "she came to me a butterfly" is. I think it'd be stronger if you just said, "She came as a butterfly," or maybe take a different stance and just say, "She was a butterfly." The rest of your poem will clarify what exactly she was and was not. Just a thought.

Quote:

A soft flap of wings,
a few tangled words tossed in -
she came to me as a butterfly.
A clap of hands,
a caress of antennae -
she came to me as a butterfly
dressed in sequinned black.

I'm not sure I understand the significance of "a few tangled words tossed in." Maybe I'm just misunderstanding it. "A clap of hands" also seems a little out of character for the description of a butterfly, or even a woman who is like a butterfly.

I love the final verse of that stanza (but Rico is right; there's only one 'n').

Quote:

She came to me as a butterfly
her wings, like tears,
re-arrange features, cause a stir.
She lay upon the bed,
one final fling granted,
a washtub fuck to rinse out the heart.

The third verse of this stanza is a mouthful; you may consider rewording it a bit. How 'bout: "She came to me as a butterfly // her wings, like tears // marr features, cause a stir"?

Probably my least favorite thing about this poem is the phrase "a washtub fuck." Your whole poem is elegant, beautiful, and then there's that thrown in, which seems really out of character for the rest of the writing. Perhaps you were trying to bring notice to that verse, due to its diversity, but it just comes off (to me, at least) as angsty. That's just my take on it. I would throw that line out and offer something a little more reasonable to match the rest of the work.

The last stanza is wonderful and closes everything neatly. Good job. In fact, overall a great job.

Hope I've helped in a couple of ways!

Harry Haller · 08-27-2005, 01:59 AM

I'm not quite sure what you are going for. I have an idea but poetry tends to be the most personal writing and I think it is the most difficult to critique unless you know the authors intent. I will just tell you some things that I would change if this were my own. I am not going to change things drastically enough to change the impression until I know what you are going for. I'll just play with the phrasing a little.

She came to me a butterfly
soft flapping wings
with a few words tossed in-
she came to me a butterfly
a clap of hands
a caress of antennae
she came to me a butterfly
dressed in sequined black

she came late at night
in a black taxi cab
the yellow occupied light
clenching a fist
at the approaching dawn

she came to me a butterfly
with wings of ornamented tears
rearrange features, cause a stir
she lay upon the bed
the final fling granted

with a washtub fuck
to rinse the heart
she left behind
a powdery afterimage
a taste of regret
the scent that lingers
after winter's rain

Actually, I'm not going to say anymore. I read the first one and I think it is much better. I would recommend starting with it again. There are only a few things that I would change with the original. I am not in agreement with your editing. I will go back later and play with it if you like.

dannyboy · 08-27-2005, 06:06 PM

thank you all for your responses.
Rico - stalk away.

leliathomas - yes part of this are not coherent, I agree, I am trying to capture the 'like a butterfly' aspects without sacrificing other 'human' aspects.
'Wash tub fuck' is deliberately supposed to drop you out of the light quality of the rest; it is bitter and angry deliberately. None of us manage not at least a bit of this after a parting.

Harry - The editing is a process of discovering more about yourself as a poet as about anything else. I am often too wordy and too 'telly' so usually these are the things I work on when editing. It may do damage to the original poem but it helps me define the sort of clarity I am seeking. This is not one of my favourite
poems. I wrote this after being told a dream by a friend of mine. It is okay but its the process of learning how to write that made me return to this poem, not the poem itself. However i do like the re-write far more. It is a step in the right direction.

Oh and thanks for the spelling.

journyman161 · 08-27-2005, 08:12 PM

I found with this I had to keep going back to pick up the thread; it was more a rhythm problem than anything opaque about the story. I went & read the 1st one & I prefer that; it needs a bit of a trim, but not as much as you've done here. IMO, you've gone a step too far with this.

Also, I was let down a bit when the title 'she came to me a butterfly' became 'she came to me as a butterfly.' The extra beat of 'as' seems to reduce the impact of the phrase for me. It had a lovely beat to it in the title that doesn't seem present in the poem. I realise you're probably going to tell me the title was a typo, but I really prefer the phrase without the 'as.'

dannyboy · 08-28-2005, 02:16 AM

No not a typo J and i agree with you.

I'll fix it.