FootballStar20

Don’t wallow in the past,
And don’t make excuses for the present.
Make your life count, don’t hold back.
Stop with the inspirational bull crap.

When life is at it’s worst,
Don’t rely on the happy side of things.
Don’t break down and cry in the corner.
Pick yourself up, follow through with what you want.
For if you don’t meet those goals,
What do you do next?

103_smalls

You have an excellent topic, and basis for a good-themed poem here... but I think you need to do some polishing up to make the lines flow together better... each one seemed just as awkward as the one before it, and they didn't seem to flow right... but a quick edit by you can fix all that and make this a gem.

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leliathomas

I'll echo what 103_smalls has said and also say something that may at first sound a bit harsh, but it really is just meant to help you in the long run.

There's a lot of poetry like this in the world--venting or angsty. Most of those poems are in freestyle; some are in cluttered or strict, unfitting rhyme. They all say a lot of the same things, though, from lost loves, to disliking life, to making statements. That is the essence of poetry, but how good the poem is depends on the presentation. The presentation has to be unique to stand out and actually make a statement.

With that said, I think this needs to be a bit more original. One way to make something more original, especially poetry, is to provide better visual descriptions or comparisons.

It's all well and good to say, "Don't wallow in the past // And don't make excuses for the present," but why are you saying that? Why shouldn't someone wallow in the past or say things about the future? Tell us why. That will make it original.

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Lelia Katherine Thomas
www.leliathomas.com
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FootballStar20

Don’t wallow in the past.
For life will not wait for you.
Don’t make excuses for the present.
Life moves on no matter what you have done.
Make your life count, don’t hold back.
Stop with the inspirational crap.

Inspiration is not what one needs,
In times of trouble and doubt.
For it will only make you see,
That in your life of uncertainty,
You do not meet the happy go lucky standard.

But many believe that self-loathing
Is the key to drowning away one’s sorrows.
Oh but that theory,
Couldn’t be further from the truth.
Feeling sorry for one’s self,
Only brings about hatred for others.

So do not cry in a corner,
And do no rely on inspirational drought.
Pick yourself up.
Follow through with your desires.
For if these desires are not meet,
What do you do next?






Better?

nieros

MUCH better than the original. It is as I have always said, nothin's perfect until everybody's happy. Well done.

Later.

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The imagination is a powerful thing, beautiful and terrifying. It is only limited by how deeply into the forbidden one is willing to go.

Harry Haller

if these desires are not met

My first thought at the original one was uhhh don't tell me what to do. The second version is significantly better but still not my style. I'm not a fan of its forwardness. I almost feel like it is lacking depth in a way. It just feels like the surface. I am waiting for the part where it hits me but the blow is merely a glancing one. I think there is potential. I just want it to hit harder and deeper. So much of it is just cliche terminology. Here are examples.

life of uncertainty
happy go lucky
Is the key
drowning away one’s sorrows
Feeling sorry for one’s self
cry in a corner
Pick yourself up

There are even a few more. If you are going for a poem of cliches then I think you really need to have a more focused and more powerful punch. If you are not then I think that you need to get rid of them. There is nothing here that I haven't heard before. There is also nothing that I've heard before that is said more powerfully. There is nothing here that is told in a different and unique way. Without at least one of these things the poem is very uninteresting. My recommendation is that you try to come up with a new way to explain the cliche wordings. Here is an example.

Don't wallow in the past
becomes
Don't bask under a forgotten sun

It isn't a great example but it is something a little different. You don't even have to change them that drastically.

I think it is okay to have some things that are common but I think that you have too much of it. I hope you don't take this too hard. I am only trying to help. I hope I have been of some use.

Best of luck,
Skylor

FootballStar20

Thank you all for your suggestions.

The first part is actually supposed to be very cliche. Those are supposed to be the inspirational things you hear all the time. A few other areas (the happy go lucky part) are supposed to be cliche too. The only one you mentioned there that is not intentional was the pick yourself up one. I do understand where you are coming from though. It was just my way at coming at this type of poem in a different, yet not different way.

Harry Haller

In that case I think it would be interesting to take the cliche and pair it with an interesting revision or even an example of it. I think it would give it the punch and diversity that it needs. I would also use alliteration to make it more fun and pronounced.

Something like.
Do not cry in the corner
you blabbering baby of dought
and do not rely on inspirational drought
pick yourself up
jump up to kiss the clouds
follow through with your desires
stay away from the castaway crowds

I don't know. I'm just throwing stuff out there.